


Some Say It's Destiny

by Shinhia



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Drama, Drug Use, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Giving in to temptation, M/M, Moreid, Mpreg, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Sentimental realization, Sex, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-03-22 03:01:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 39,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3712330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinhia/pseuds/Shinhia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Truth is Spencer and Derek knew each other since childhood. They grew up next to one another in Chicago, until Spencer turned twelve, graduated high school and his parents decided moving to Las Vegas. After that, he and Derek never saw each other anymore, but it didn't stopped them both to often think of the friend they had had while growing up.</p><p>Who would have thought that destiny would have them meet again? Not them. And certainly not in those circumstances. Working for the BAU had always been Spencer dream job, little did he thought that's where he would fall on Derek again. Also, why was he so surprised to notice the man hadn't seem to recognize him? Had he change so much since he was twelve?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**_(Artwork cover made by me aka TheShiwolf/Shinhia)_ **

* * *

 

 

It was sunny in Chicago when Spencer Reid and Derek Morgan met. Spencer was only five at the time and like often his dad was late to come and get him after school, so like every time this happened the little boy was  sitting patiently, reading, with Mrs. Fran, at the Morgan's house for William Reid to finally come and get him. Today, though, was different.

Different because, for once Spencer wasn't alone with Mrs. Fran. Today her son was here with them, and little Spencer couldn't begin to explain how amazed he was by the big boy that was Derek Morgan.

Derek was older than Spencer from about eight years. The thirteen year old boy was someone kind and always smiling, very well behave and outgoing. A total opposite to little Spencer. And it was that open personality that attracted Spencer so much.

Spencer had always been a very different child, way different than the other kids in many different ways, starting by his intelligence.

At one he could speak with ease, at two write his name, the one of his parents mad some elementary sentences, and at three read a complete book by himself. So it wasn't a surprise that the little boy had often found himself alone and rejected by others. Being different, being above the average number of intelligence scared people. Scared away kids. And that's why Spencer at five had only his books and Mrs. Fran as friends and no children his age to play with. His mommy always told him he was amazing and that his brain was a gift, his difference was what made him so special and unique. Spencer knew and understood how happy and proud his parents were of him but most time he wished to have friends like any other children too.

 

So, when he and Mrs. Fran had  arrived to the Morgan's House, Spencer had been surprised to see that Mrs. Fran's son was home and had come to great him happily. Him Spencer Reid. Like it was the most normal thing to do.

 

Shyly, half hidden behind Mrs. Fran, cheeks blushing red, Spencer had said "Hello" back, which had earned him a big smile from Derek and for the older to bent down and look at him behind his mothers legs:

"I'm happy to meet you, Spencer. Mama has told me a lot about you. You know, I won't bite, you don't have to hide from me."

Spencer had looked at Derek curiously from the corner of his eyes, his nose still hidden against Mrs. Fran. His shyness, apparently, weren't upsetting Derek, because he told Spencer again:

"Tell me are you hungry?"

 

Not sure he could answer positively, Spencer had first grabbed Mrs. Fran hand to get her approval.

"You can be honest, sweetie. You know you're like at home over here."

That had seemed to relax the little boy enough, and he finally nodded positively to Derek. Smiling the older boy had extended his hand for Spencer to grab and said:

"Great! I made a Yogurt cake, I hope you like cake. It needs to be decorated now, do you think you can help me with that, Spencer? There's juice too for if you're thirsty which you must be after such a long day at school, what would like to drink, tell me?"

"Do you have coffee?" The small boy had finally asked, looking at Derek with big eyes.

"Coffee?" Derek repeated. Getting an enthusiast nod from Spencer.

Spencer had watched amazed Derek burst out laughing. He found Derek was really beautiful and just like that Spencer first crush had happened.

*

 

The second time Spencer and Derek Morgan crossed path, Spencer was eight and had found refuge in a tree trying to escape bullies, a broken arm and a few bruises covering his face.

Derek had recognized the boy's voice from afar and had come to see what was going on that's he had found Spencer perched on a big branch tree, clenching his right arm to his chest, disheveled, glasses broken and looking like a scared tweety.

 

Derek was sixteen then, and his impressive built had been enough to scare Spencer's bullies away. Next thing he had drove the boy to the hospital, calling his mom for her to get in touch with Spencer's  parents once they were at the hospital.

In the end, Derek had signed Spencer's cast, the boy blushing and trying his hardest to look like he wasn't ready to shed a tear or two as he was so touched by Derek's gesture and kindness.

*

 

Two years later, a little after Spencer turned ten, his parents decided to move from Chicago to Las Vegas. He'd seen Mrs. Fran one last time but never Derek. And that's how he had lost his first and only friend.

 


	2. Chapter One : “The Beginning Of Something”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **And....here's chapter people, I hope you'll enjoy it, have a good read.  
> **   
>  **xoxo**   
>  **Sin.**

> _**“ Some things are destined to be -- it just takes us a couple of tries to get there.” - J.R. Ward, Lover Mine (Black Dagger Brotherhood, #8)** _

* * *

 

Spencer Reid was barely twenty three when Jason Gideon offered him a place in his team at the FBI. Spencer's dream job had always been to work for the Behavioral Analysis Unit, so he had gladly told Gideon yes.

Spencer never once imagined, not even in his wildest dreams, that the BAU team number four was where he would cross Derek Morgan's path again. Fifteen years after their last encounter when Derek had took him to the hospital and signed his cast.

*

 

When Gideon had presented him to the team Spencer had felt all kinds of different emotions, managing to keep a blank face even though his inside were in a violent turmoil.

 

Aaron Hotchner had been both impressive and quite a bit scary to Spencer's young eyes, but his guts had screamed loud and clear, how the young man could trust the man with his life, because this man he was sure would never do anything to harm him and his alpha personality would always protect him like one of his team's oldest member. And protect him, Hotch had done a lot since Spencer had started working for the BAU.

 

Elle, who turned out was Gideon daughter, was quite hard to grasp and at first Spencer hadn't really warm up to the woman, she was to quick to laugh at his weirdness, like she liked to call it. So Spencer had decided that he would see with time. Little did he thought back then that the woman would end up in such a tragical situation.

 

Jennifer Jareau, called “ _JJ”_ , had attracted Reid almost instantly, so much he'd thought having a crush for the liaison agent for quite awhile, until that feeling faded completely and he and the woman developed a brother-sister relationship. JJ was the one in the team he was the closest to, and only blood was the obstacle between them, because Spencer really did saw the blond woman as his big sister. So much, he hadn't been able to say no when she had asked him to become her son's, Henry, godfather. Spencer had never been happier.

 

Then came Penelope Garcia, their team's Tech Analyst. To say Spencer was caught off guard when he when he was introduce to the woman was an euphemism. Everything about Penelope Garcia was loud, vibrant. Exuberant, even. From her many different hair styles, to her always bold outfits and crazy heeled shoes, the glasses that changed everyday, a combination that always seemed to  _WORK_ , to her flirty and bubbly personality. Extreme was a word made for the woman, as she was extreme... in everything, really. When Spencer met her the very first time, he'd barely gathered her name and had called her Gomez instead of Garcia. That day, she was new to the team, and talking fast, rattling off information that the other members of the team seemed to have no trouble following, and it's with no shame, he admitted that she kinda scared him back then. Though his preconceived idea about the woman didn't lasted long, as he had quickly learnt to appreciate Garcia, he was the first surprised to see they'd quickly became very good friends. They weren't as close as he was with JJ but Garcia held a dear place in his heart with no doubt.

 

Throughout the years, agents had come and go into their team, there had been Emily Prentiss and the famous David Rossi, then Ashley Seaver to replace Emily, or agent Todd to filled in while JJ was away because of her pregnancy. And most recently, Alex Blake.

 

With Emily, Spencer had click pretty quickly, a bit like with JJ, the raven haired woman acting like a protective big sister. Emily was quiet, anxious but easy to connect with even though she had the habit of hiding behind walls to protect herself from people. At first she had posed like an equation Reid had been eager to unfold and understand. Everything had come into place with Doyle, then Spencer had understood why Emily erected so much walls around her. When they'd been told she didn't survived the surgery after the Doyle case, Spencer had been heartbroken like never before, that was until they found out Emily was still alive, and been living in Paris, then Spencer had been so angry at her and JJ and everyone else that knew, and in the end when she'd decided to take that job offer in Interpol, it's a great feeling of loss Spencer had felt again. Just like losing a limb, losing Emily was like losing a part of himself, a part that he still hadn't found back so many years after her leave.

 

David Rossi. Meeting the man, the legend, was a complete other story, and Spencer had acted like a real groupie to the  man’s come back to their team. Spencer, being the big nerd he is, really couldn't refrain himself talking to the man about his books, discussing Rossi's theories and knowledge of profiling, to the point he was conscious the man might have seen him weirder than what Spencer really was. But it had been hard not reacting that way when someone Spencer looked to so much was part of his team, his family, his everyday life. His groupie act disappeared after awhile, when the excitation of being a member of the famous profiler team had finally went down. That's when Spencer's look on things and on the man had started to change as he got to know the man better and that somewhere along the way, David Rossi had took that father figure place, Spencer lacked so much in his life.

 

Having Alex Blake to join their team after Emily left for Interpol, wasn't really a life altering change for Spencer. He already knew who the woman was, for having attended and also helped her out on lectures she gave in Georgetown, he couldn't have been more happy to welcome her into their secluded team. He knew she had had a bit of trouble adapting to their closed team dynamic, but with time Alex had became a really important asset to their team work, her knowledge in linguistic being a big opportunity for them. Even though no one would ever be able to replace or take his mother's place in his life, and that no matter how ill she was, Alex had still managed to become another motherly figure in his everyday life, one Spencer had somehow yearned for for years. And maybe that's why it hadn't surprise their team to see them bound in that way over the months. It had kind of followed the same natural path Spencer and Rossi's relationship had followed.

 

And finally, Spencer had never really been someone that believed in fate or destiny or any other deities really, but when he had been introduced to SSA Derek Morgan that very first day of work with the BAU, the Genius had had troubled not believing that maybe destiny, fate, could be something tangible to believe in. He was flabbergasted that this was how he and Derek had crossed path again, thirteen years after they last saw each other.

 

Derek hadn't really changed over the years. Sure his hair were now shorter and he had gain in built and height over the years and it was clear he had aged too, but one thing was still the same, one thing had stayed unchanged, Derek Morgan was still that handsome male Spencer had once been crushing on as a kid, and the  man’s eyes still held that warmth and kindness that he'd always directed towards Spencer when he was a kid. That particular  detail about the man still was the same, even though now, Derek's eyes were also shadowed with the ghosts of the life he had had and that Spencer knew next to nothing about.

At first, Morgan had kept them knowing each other quiet. Spencer knew the man had finally recognized him after a week or two of working together and putting two and two together with what he remembered of the small boy his mother used to babysit and that he'd seen a few times and the now very tall and handsome young man that had been added to their team by Gideon himself. Respecting that choice of wanting to keep their common past silent, Spencer had went along with it, thinking that maybe this was how Derek felt more comfortable at work, that maybe the older man didn't wanted their team to know such private thing about his and Spencer's childhood. So, yeah, good naturally Spencer had played the game, and that even when Morgan used to make fun of him with Elle or call him Pretty Boy or kid every chance he got. By the bye, Spencer had asked himself for a very long time if Morgan had choose to nicknamed him like such, out of mockery or just as a mark of affection, maybe this was the  man’s way to acknowledge that past that they'd shared once.

Little did Spencer suspected by then, how he and Morgan would become close, how their once closeness would increase with a job that was so risky and that ask of them to be constantly in each  other’s feet every day at work and every time they flew across the country to go do their job on new cases.

If some of the things Morgan did to him, had deeply hurt him, Spencer had kept everything quiet, he preferred to stay silent and ignore that sometimes Morgan could be a jerk too. Of course, never did the man hurt him like Spencer bullies used to do in his past, and of course Derek didn't knew everything about those ghosts in his closet. But Spencer had just thought that with time, with getting to know him better again, the older man would warm up to him and the Derek he knew as a child would resurface someday. And surprisingly, after Spencer had confided in the man about what had been done to him when he was twelve and graduating high school, the old Derek had indeed resurfaced. It took a bit of time for Spencer to see things clearly and not have their past cloud his vision anymore and finally understand that if Morgan had been that way with him since he'd entered the BAU, it was because the man had wanted to push Spencer, had known that Spencer was very capable and strong enough to learn how to toughen himself and protect himself in a job that often left you bare naked and torn.

That he would fall madly in love with Derek Morgan, Spencer never thought it was something that would ever happen, and that such love would hurt so bad was something Spencer never once imagined, never once envisioned.

Being in love with Derek Morgan had been, was still both amazing and disastrous. Thus because Spencer knew his feeling would never be returned and that with the years his love for Derek wouldn't stopped growing and growing and grow again. Just like he'd thought when he'd noticed how his feelings were slowly changing in regards to his elder, Spencer had understood by then that he was completely screwed.

*

 

He couldn't really say when he started seeing Derek differently than as that friendly face he remembered from his childhood. Don't go think it was easy working with Derek at first, because it wasn't at all. Firstly because Derek saw him like some nerdy genius unfit to be in the field and way too young to be a FBI agent. Maybe the older man remembered Spencer's fragility and shyness from when he was still a small kid, but the young agent had been eager to show Derek and the rest of the team how he was made for this job too, that he could do it just as well as any of them and that him being the youngest was just a detail, an irrelevant one, he didn't needed to be babysit, nor did he needed a chaperon to remind him how young he was and also how inexperienced.

Derek had been like that at first, his alpha instinct wanting to protect the pup Spencer was to his eyes, so that's why he'd roughen up Spencer a bit in the beginning, to toughen him up. That was until that case they had in Des Plaines, where a sniper had killed almost ten persons in public places, choosing to shot them in the stomach on purpose. His homicidal hero complex being so clear in his profile.

Spencer had missed his gun qualification again, and was really down with it, so Morgan had taunted him with that ridiculous blow whistle, telling him that if he ever needed them he'll just had to whistle. Spencer hadn't particularly liked the joke and had took it more seriously then he should have.

Later, when he and Hotch had been held hostages with the emergency staff and patients, Derek's joke had totally disappeared from his mind, and when finally he'd shot the Unsub, Spencer couldn't really say how he'd felt then, just that when Derek had come to see him in the ambulance, the young man had been more than happy to throw that stupid whistle right back at him.

It's then that Spencer's feelings took an unexpected turn, when Derek had asked him if was alright. The way Derek's voice had said his surname, the honest worry in his voice when he had asked how he was doing and the warmth in his eyes in that short  moment;

Three years of working together daily and it was only then that Spencer had understood the fluttering of his heart every time Derek was next to him, the shivering of his skin when he heard the  man’s voice or caught a scent of his perfume mixed with that specific smell that was only Derek or the way his cheeks would blush when he caught himself throwing glances the man’s way, unbeknownst to the object of his attention.

Later in the jet, after Hotch had talked to him, and everyone had fell asleep, Spencer had pondered what was happening inside of him. Falling for one of his  colleagues had never been part of his plans, falling for Derek Morgan, once again, certainly wasn't part of his plans. He'd thought as a kid his crush was just something normal for a eight year old, it was just how his little boy's heart had decided to turn his admiration into for his rescuer. Who would have thought that sixteen years later, his heart would once again take the path of harboring deep feelings like love for Derek Morgan?

 

Not him, and by habit then Spencer had acted he like always did when he fell for someone.

He kept everything for himself, tried his hardest to not be discover and prayed, even though he wasn't a believer, that someday, somehow his feelings would disappear on their own. It was alright thinking this was what would happen, right? His feelings were just a production of his hormones for someone very charismatic and attractive when Spencer had been single for so many years and was now in a state where part of his mind and body couldn't ignore a candidate like Derek Morgan when put in front of him. Yes, it was just infatuation and lust and like usual it would just go away and Spencer would be able to breathe again normally and forget that something like that had ever happened.

 

Love.

 

Love wasn't for him. He was made of books and statistics, of tangible ideas and facts he could rely on to. Love was too messy and destructive. Love had only brought him pain and hurt in his life, it wasn't something he could allow himself to feel and believe in. He had to protect himself, and that especially from a man like Derek Morgan, because even though the older man was kind and understanding, Spencer knew deep in his bones that nourishing feelings for him would only bring him to his downfall.

 

So, hardly, he'd tried his best to suppress what he felt for Derek, pushing away as far as he could those undesired emotions growing in him. It seemed to work for a time, but five months after, and still feeling the same, Spencer had understood that it was a losing game he'd engaged himself in and it was pointless to hope that what he felt growing in him day after day would at some point just stop and evaporate itself. So he accepted that he was deeply in love with Derek Morgan, accepted that it was a one sided love and that he'd have to live with it secretly, as he wasn't going to quit his job for something so futile. That was of course before the team was asked to work on the Tobias Henkel case, then everything changed for Spencer. His mind, his certainties, his heart and even his body changed after that case.

*

 

He never should have left JJ, then maybe Henkel wouldn't have found him and nothing would have happened then.

Even after so many years, Spencer could remember clearly everything that had happened back then, from the blow to his head that had knock him out, to the feel of Henkel's car driving, to the deadly atmosphere of that shed in the cemetery, to the stench of the fishes' hearts and liver burning constantly on that big wood-burner... Spencer remembered everything. And it wasn't like he hadn't tried forgetting, god only knows how hard he'd tried.

He didn't really knew back then what was the worst, being tortured repeatedly or being drugged to the almost overdose, or again not being able to shake off that feeling that his team wouldn't arrive on time, that they wouldn't be quick enough to find him and those were the last moments of his life. And with those fears, Spencer couldn't ignore the fright of never being able to see his mom and Derek ever again.  _Was it how it would end then, without ever having have the guts to at least tell the man how he felt for him? Without being able to lose himself in his warm eyes one last time and enjoy the kindness of his smile._

All through his suffering there, those were the thoughts clouding his mind, it's only out of survival he had sent Hotch those cryptic messages, hoping somewhere deep in his heart that he would at least have a tiny chance at life, that Henkel wouldn't be the last of him.

It's not really believing his eyes and his sheer luck that Spencer had watched his colleagues and friends arrive with the LEOs. Barely holding on he'd threw himself in Hotch's arms because it was the only thing his mind had thought of to show the man his relief, he'd held JJ tightly because it was the right thing to do and he didn't wanted her to keep on feeling so guilty, then he'd let Gideon handle him like a fragile kid because he was honestly  too weak to stand on his injured legs on his own any longer.

During those moments of rescuing, Morgan was the only person he hadn't been able to look at or even acknowledge the tiniest bit, not because he feared what the  man’s eyes would hold but because he knew that if he threw just one look at man, he would cave and breakdown in the  man’s arms, he wouldn't be able to control himself anymore and would let things he kept secret for so long slip out of his mouth without restraint and wouldn't be able to stop himself until Derek had heard everything, until he knew everything there was to know. So Spencer kept silent, ignoring the only one person he  yearned to be with after such traumatic events, withdrawing into himself because it was the easiest thing to do, because it was how he'd always used to do after being hurt. He would have never thought then, that Derek would come and find him at his apartment three days after they'd gone back home and Spencer had been release,  _(on his own will)_ , from the hospital.

*

 

The little knocks on his door where soft at first, and Spencer had barely heard them over the sound of his television's low rumble. Then the knocks were made again, a bit louder this time. Getting up from his couch, were he'd lay the past two days, curled up on himself, Spencer went for the front door, careful not to put too much weight on his injured left foot. A look in the peephole informed him of who was his late night visitor. Shaking, more out of  nervousness than pain, he opened the door and met chocolate brown eyes looking at him with so many feelings.

 

"Derek?" Spencer said softly, surprised to see the older man standing in front of him.

"You've been avoiding me." Derek simply said, unable to break the link between their eyes. "I needed to come and see how you were for myself. Why have you been avoiding me, Spence?" He asked unsure of what the younger man would answer, and apprehending that answer.

 

Now's the time to be honest, Spencer thought. He couldn't hide anymore and pretend everything was normal and that what he felt for his friend didn't existed. So, he moved out of the way and let Derek in, this conversation wasn't for his neighbors to hear, and it wasn't polite to keep people out at your door when they'd come to pay you a visit.

 

He closed the door behind Derek, showed him the couch to go sit on and hesitated slightly before going to sit there too. How was he supposed to take this situation? How was he supposed to tell Derek everything he was and how he felt for him? He had done such a good job at hiding everything for so long that he was now incapable of finding the right words or knowing where to start really.

 

"You're right," he started slowly, "I've been avoiding you."

"Okay... Why?" Derek asked softly, looking lost.

"I-I don't really know why I acted that way with you, it's just that it was easier to put some distance between us. I-I really needed it, Derek." Spencer explained, not sure that the older man would get him when he had so much trouble understanding himself to start with.

Before the black man could say anything, Spencer quickly said:

"Please, just listen, okay. I-I'm not gonna be able to tell you anything otherwise."

Breathing in, he then started telling Derek the truth about him and his feelings. The older man staying silent all through Spencer's admission.

 

"I was five when I first started crushing on you, that day when you'd been so kind to me at your house. I remember being so blinded by you at the time, you were so kind and bright and tall and caring with me, someone that you'd never seen before and who might have seemed to be a little pitiful knowing how your mom used to babysit me because my dad always forgot to come and pick me up from school. But I was too young then to really get all this and just like that, with one of your smile, I had my first crush. With time, that childish infatuation slowly went away and only my admiration for you was left. A few years later, I never thought you of all people would be the person to rescue me from my bullies and help me down that tree. You hadn't changed at all to me, yes you'd changed in built and physically but you were still that same kind, outgoing, caring boy I remembered from when I was five. When you took me to the hospital and then signed my cast, I know that's when I fell in love for the first time. Two years later, my mother's illness had gotten worse, my dad had received a job offer in Vegas and thought that maybe a new beginning would help our family get better. It didn't. We left and I never saw you again, and just like that my first love had ended."

"Las Vegas turned out to be a nightmare compared to Chicago, a few months after we got there my dad left us and I was left alone to care of my mother and me. I was in public school there and it was the worst year of my life. What I thought was just an exception because it was you that had ever only caught my eyes, turned out to be a bit more complicate and serious than that. Quickly, a little after I turned thirteen, I discovered that I was completely gay, the crush I had over one of the popular girl of my high school was just a fluke. It was just a twelve year old boy discovering his sexuality. I'd been admitted in the university, and at thirteen I was again the youngest student there, but this time things were different, high school and uni weren't the same at all and for once people kind of appreciated my intelligence for what it was, students hadn't time to bully or humiliate me like I'd been for so long in high school. I met a lot of people there, and of course it didn't took long for me to conclude that I was really gay, the way I looked at guys in the hallways wasn't the same at all as the way I used to looked over at girls. I kept everything to me the longer I could then, so scared that that one more difference about me would scared people away from me even more than before. Of course, I quickly discovered how pointless it was to try and suppress what I really was."

 

"I'd just turned fourteen when I met Sacha Romanof, he was an  exchange student from Russia, was eighteen at the time, pretty intelligent too and I was completely under his charm. Sacha had long dirty blond hair, dark blue eyes and a very squared jaw, he was tall and just a bit over slender. He wasn't just look, though, turns out he was very kind and open and always ready to help too. It's in my engineering class that we met, I was sitting alone a few rows from our teacher, which was something that was usual to me, no one really wanted to sit with me because I was too smart and I don't know I guess maybe they didn't wanted to feel humiliated by a fourteen year old's brain. I can't begin to tell you the surprise it was when I heard Sacha asked me if he could sit next to me. I don't know what of his smile, his eyes or his very thick accent made my heart jumped into my chest. I remember answering that yes, he could sit next to me, with what must have been a tomato face. We became friends very quickly after that first class, it was his first day and he told me being lost on the campus so I took upon myself to show him everything and be there if he ever need help or anything else really, I couldn't stop feeling so happy that I'd made a friend, it was something so unexpected for me, I was that this second year would be as lonely as the first one. But that was until Sacha and I crossed path."

"I think it's about two months later that he asked me if I was gay. I was scared to death to answer him, I knew how Russians saw homosexuality and I was still scared of it myself, scared of people's reactions. He must have seen my fear, because he explained that if he'd asked it was because he was gay himself, and it was one of the reason he'd left Russia and accepted the scholarship to come and study in America. He then admitted liking me and hoping that maybe he hadn't guessed wrong and that there could be something on my side too. Blushing, I told him everything. Admitted being homosexual, being scared of the consequences for someone like me, being also scared that me being gay meant I might be amongst the seventy two percent of homosexual men carrying the reproductive gene and finally being very attracted to him since he and I had met. Next thing I know, I was being given my first kiss. It felt both scary and amazing, so right too. It's not really a surprised then that I fell in love for him."

"Sacha was my first everything mostly, first kiss, first boyfriend, first best friend, first relationship, and at fifteen my first time. I was heartbroken when we graduated and he had to go back to Russia. I then accumulated PhDs and other diplomas, I was alone again. At eighteen, my  mother’s state was too bad to handle anymore and I was afraid she would hurt herself someday so I took the biggest decision of my life and had her hospitalized. It broke me, today I still feel so guilty even though I know it was for her own good. After that was FBI school, where I met my second boyfriend, we lasted a year before he decided that being a profiler wasn't for him and that what he wanted to do was go to New Orleans and be a pianist. I let him go without a fight, I guess I wasn't in love enough. Next thing I know Jason Gideon comes to see me and offers me to be part of his team at the BAU, I could have I said no to my dream job? I never thought that it was how I would meet you again. Thirteen years after I moved to Vegas."

 

"I was speechless, afraid to believe my own ears when Gideon introduced us. Was it real? Were you really standing there in front of me? You that I was so certain to never see again ? You'd changed, grew into a really fine man, your eyes held ghosts that weren't there thirteen years before. Your smile, your kindness, your  charisma , your warm outgoing personality, those were still the same, though. And your still were one of the most handsome man I'd seen in my life. Oh it hurt then when you acted like you and I had never meant before. It stung so much. I remember telling myself:  _'It's not that surprising, Spencer. After all, who would remember a scrawny kid like you?'_ "

"So I played your game and acted as if you were a stranger to me, telling myself each day that maybe you weren't comfortable letting people know you knew me. I then noticed that it was just a mask you wore, you did remembered me, and I guess it helped me a bit. With time we then became really good friends, and trust me when I say I was the first to be surprised by that. What I discovered of you it was better than everything I had imagined, better than what I remembered of you. And I wished to never lose that again. I never  planned to fall madly in love with you. It was never ever part of my plans. And for that I'm sorry, Derek."

He didn't noticed when the tears had started to fall silently along his cheeks, nor did he noticed his hands starting to shake violently. All he knew, as understanding had slowly painted Derek's face, was that never before, feeling his heart break, had been that excruciatingly painful.

"You have to believe me when I say I really tried to make my feelings go away, I really thought that with time they'd disappear and it would be part of the past then... But it didn't! It didn't, and every new day that passed, my feelings kept growing and suffocated me. I couldn't leave the BAU, it was what I'd always  dreamed of doing , and the team is my family. But, maybe if I'd quit, maybe we wouldn't be sitting here right now having this conversation. All I can say is I'm sorry I love you, I am so sorry and I don't dream that one day you'll pardon me for loving you like this. I'm sorry I lied about me being gay, but I was way too scared to tell you all what I really am. Know that I won't blame you for hating me. I won't."

And with one last shaking breath, he had told Derek everything. Unable to look at the man and see the hatred look he was sure to find on his face, Spencer buried his face in his hands and didn't tried to hold back his tears, he wasn't strong enough to pretend everything was okay. From far away, he heard Derek getting up from the couch, put distance between them, then go for the front door and heard, before the man left:

 

"I'm sorry but I can't love you back!"

 

Then the door closed behind the older man, and only then Spencer broke down completely.

 


	3. Realizations and consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I know it's been a really LONG time since I posted on this story but here's the following finally. I hope you'll still enjoy it no matter the huge delay. xoxo. Sin.**

> _**"Maybe it's just hiding somewhere. Or gone on a trip to come home. But falling in love is always a pretty crazy thing. It might appear out of the blue and just grab you. Who knows ― maybe even tomorrow." - Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart** _

 

 

He was stunned. Completely stunned, after Reid's confession. It's true he had always had doubts about the brunet sexual orientation but never did he suspected anything concerning him. He was a good profiler. Heck, most bureaus wanted him, but placed in front of the obvious he had failed to suspect anything.

 

_Spencer was in love with him?_ Had been for years and kept it a secret for so long...

 

It's in an blur he saw himself get up from the young mans couch, then go for the door. He needed to leave. Be alone to gather his thoughts and think about everything he just heard alone and in the calm atmosphere of his house. Yes, he needed to leave. Now. He needed to...

"I'm sorry but I can't love  you back!"

*

 

As he lay on his bed, Derek thought about everything he learned tonight, and about those words he told Reid.

 

_Why? Why did he say those words? Why act that way when he knew that would only break his friend's heart a little more?_ He couldn't understand his reaction. His mouth had said something his mind didn't really thought to begin with, and hurt Spencer had never been something he'd wanted.

Years had passed, and time had left his prints on both him and Reid, but Derek could still remember with exactitude the little child that was Spencer at three.

*

 

He was eleven at the time, and it was a year after his dad had been shot while in duty, his mom, to help them live a bit more comfortably, had decided to do supplementary hours to earn a little more money. Spencer Reid happened to be the answer to her money struggles.

Derek didn't really know what was the issue with Spencer's mother, just that his mom had told him she was gravely ill and so she sometimes couldn't take care of little Spencer. William Reid, Spencer's father, was a very busy man, and he often couldn't make it on time to bring Spencer home after school. Fran Morgan being their neighbor and friend, she'd offered the Reid's to take care of Spencer the days no one could bring him home after school. Derek wasn't sure of what arrangement the adults had made, just that that's how his mom had started being Spencer's part time nanny/babysitter.

 

He was three year old the first time Derek met him. That day Misses Reid's condition had been worse than usual, so her husband had had to take her to the hospital. No one could take care of Spencer, and so Mister Reid had asked Fran if she could take his son for the night. She said yes, of course. And when Derek had came home from the youth center, he'd fell on his mom and a small child reading in their living room.

 

Spencer looked scared and so small sitting on the couch right next to Fran Morgan. He looked so cute and fragile that Derek had instantly fell for his big puppy doe eyes. He remember his mom introducing them and asking him to watch over Spencer while she cooked supper for them and his two sisters.

 

"Oh honey, how was training today?" Fran Morgan asked her son, when he came into the living room where she and little Spencer were reading a book.

"It was good, mama. Who's that?" Derek said, intrigued to know who was that little boy hiding behind his mother.

"Derek, meet Spencer. Spencer is Mr. and Mrs. Reid's son. Spencer, baby, this young man there is my son, his name is Derek."

Spencer had turned his big eyes towards Fran and then back to Derek, curious, before lifting a small hand to wave in Derek's direction.

"Hello, Derek. My name is Spencer." The little boy told, articulating his words like his mom had taught him to, so that people would be able to understand him easily.

"Hey, baby boy. Do you mind if I sit with you and my mama?" Derek asked smiling, already liking this little guy.

Spencer had shook his head  _**'no'** _ , and got closer to Fran for Derek to came sit down next to them.

"So, how come we have Spencer with us today, mama. Don't you usually have him on Wednesdays and Thursdays?" Derek asked his mom.

"Mommy is sick. She's in the os-pital. Daddy asked Miss Franny to watch me tonight." Spencer explained, surprising Derek at the same time.

 

Fran noticing her sons questioning face, explained, smiling:

"Spencer is a very special little boy, honey. He's very very smart for his young age. No one could take him for the night so William asked me. I need to go make supper, can you stay with Spencer? Maybe give him his bath and put him in his PJs for the night."

"No, I can do it, Mama. Don't worry." Derek assured.

"What do you say, baby boy. Are you okay if I'm the one giving you your bath?" Derek asked the little boy, who shrugged, not really caring who was gonna bath him tonight. "Lets go upstairs then."

"Oh and Derek, do you mind making the twin bed in your room for Spencer to sleep on tonight?"

"Twin bed. No prob', mama." Derek said, giving his hand to the little boy, who took it shyly.

 

Later, after they ate supper, that Sarah asked to spend the night over at her friends because they had a group work to do, and Desiree secluded herself in her bedroom, Derek and Spencer went to bed. The little boy falling asleep after a few pages of Vonnegut Derek read to him. If Spencer sneaked in into Derek's bed, scared and half asleep after a vicious nightmare, the older boy didn't said anything, just played his guardian role like he was supposed to.

*

 

Next time Derek saw Spencer again, he was five and apparently didn't remembered meeting the older boy two years ago.

Little Spencer, had changed a bit but he was still skinny, with strong framed glasses and still smart as hell. Derek hadn't been able to not feel touched by the little man, and took him under his wing once again. Even though eight years separated them, Derek liked Spencer's keen brain, the little guy was easy to talk to and no matter how shy he could be, Spencer's curiosity was enough to make him get out of his bubble and interest himself to whatever Derek had to show or explain to him.

* * *

 

Even in his wildest fantasy, Derek never imagined that when he would meet Spencer again, it would be in a tree.

Spencer had escaped bullies and found refuge in a tree, it's his feminine voice that'd attracted Derek to the said tree. The little boy looked to have been quite heavily roughen up, and sported cuts and bruises along his face and arms, not major cuts, though, more like defensive scratches you get during a fight. What truly worried Derek was the arm Spencer held clenched to his chest, the limb hanging lifeless in the boy's other hand, which clearly indicated that it must be broken. By experience, Derek knew how to recognize a broken limb. He could only thanked his meeting with weights and working out, because it's all it had took to chase away Spencer's tormentors. Not that Derek wouldn't have fight for the little boy if he'd really needed to, but it wouldn't have been a fair fight to beat eight year olds. Once Spencer's bullies had left and he was sure they were now both left in peace, Derek had climbed into the tree to go help Spencer climb down, it was clear the boy couldn't go down because of his injured arm.

Next thing, Derek was calling his mother and Spencer's parents to let them know he was driving the little boy to the hospital, his left arm really needed x-rays and he wouldn't be surprised at all if Spencer ended up with a cast for a very long time. A few hours later, the ER pediatrician confirmed Spencer having a badly broken arm and would need to keep a cast for at least three to six months. Spencer looked on the verge of crying to that news, so Derek had went to find a sharpie and then signed Spencer's cast. The smile he got for such a simple act was worth every prizes in the world, he remembered thinking.

 

When he learned two years later, that the Reids had left Chicago for Vegas and that he hadn't been able to at least say goodbye to Spencer, Derek had felt like he'd lost his best friend.

To know he would meet Spencer again, thirteen years later at work, well it'd been a hell of a surprise. And maybe, this is why he acted the way he did with the younger agent, because he was too afraid to lose him again, so it'd been easier to act like Spencer was a total stranger to him. He should have known, though, that Reid being the genius he is, he would sooner rather that later read into his game and understand that Derek had indeed recognized him and preferred to act like he didn't to protect himself.

* * *

 

 

To be honest, that him and Reid had bounded again and became the best friends they once'd been, didn't really surprised Derek. He kinda felt like it was written somewhere, that this is how they would always be. Okay, he'd been a jerk a lot with the kid at work, but it was only to toughen him up in the hostile atmosphere that was the FBI and helped him become stronger and stronger to support their job. Derek had seen agents come and go, broken, way too much by their work. He didn't want that for the younger man. Just the same way, Derek hadn't been surprised at all to see the people that he considered more like his family than his team, warm up and adopt Reid like one of their own in record time hadn't been surprising either. Spencer Reid had that strange ability to make people fall in love with his weirdness like a lost puppy would.

 

When they'd worked on the Buford case, and they all learned about his past, the one Derek had most feared was Reid. He didn't know how his mother and sisters had reacted to Spencer coming back into their life after so long on such a delicate case, but he knew that at least Fran and Sarah had welcomed the kid like he'd never left Chicago.

When Reid had confronted him in their hotel room, once Buford had been arrested and Derek had publicly confessed being one of the man's first victims, Derek had felt on the verge of breaking like a china doll. Reid had let him talk his heart out, something Derek had craved to do for years. Then the younger agent had consoled him all night, had reassured him that to his eyes Derek would always be the fearless and flamboyant figure from his past and learning about Derek's darkest secret would never change how Reid felt for him. It'd soothed him. And with the constant presence of the kid by his side, Derek had regain his confidence and attitude.

 

Back then, Derek never thought what happened to Reid would ever be a reality, that the young man would be one of the victims they had to saved. It's true the kid had the faculty to attract danger like a magnet but that a schizophrenic sociopath would abduct him and torture him for days, Derek never thought this was something he had to face. Nor did he imagined once that he would feel like he felt for Reid would ever be possible.

 

Letting Reid and JJ go interrogate Henkel had been routine, really. Derek really thought it would be a simple questioning and the two agents would come back unscathed then. None of them expected such a turn of events.

*

 

It's when they found JJ and the dogs that fear impregnated Derek's every pores. When the blond agent hadn't been able to tell them where was Reid, and he stayed unfound. Then when they discovered a body had been dragged in the field, Derek knew that the chances for them to find Reid alive were really small.

Rage filled him slowly, the longer Reid was at the mercy of that sick bastard. That's why he'd been so hard on JJ. When Garcia had joined him and they'd discovered the streamed video of Reid's torture, Derek had wanted to kill Henkel like he never yearn to kill someone ever before. Not even Buford.

His fear of never seeing Reid alive, of losing again and knowing that this time it would be permanent, had drove Derek crazy. He felt so powerless faced to Reid's suffering, and there was nothing he could do. Nothing to help Spencer when he most needed him. He was angry and sad he didn't even noticed the words the young agent had slipped in his talks with Tobias, giving them his localization. He was so scared for his friend that his mind could barely think clearly, thank god Hotch was there and understood quite quickly Reid's massage.

 

He can't never begin to describe the relief it had been to find Spencer alive. He'd had to fight himself to not just wrap the kid into his arms and never let go of him. But they're at work, and the LEOs were there, and Reid was way to shaken and weak and Derek had to think clearly and do his job the best he could so that they all could go back home finally. It's Reid's ignorance that worried him.

Never before had the younger man acted that way with him, and Derek felt so lost. He couldn't understand why Reid was avoiding him. To the point he'd even refused when Derek had proposed to drive him from the hospital, asking Hotch instead. If he'd been hurt, Derek didn't show anything. He'd preferred to wait and see what would happen. Maybe, Spence just needed time and space? If this was the case, then Derek would give him what he needed.

Only, three days later, Derek still had no clue what was going on and why Spencer stayed so quiet, he didn't even texted back to let him know how he was doing when Derek finally sent him a message to ask how Spencer was doing. Worried, upset and lost, Derek had decided to drive to Reid's apartment and just confront the young man, cause it was clear now, after he'd got Garcia on the phone and she told him Spencer had answered her calls and texts, that it was him, Derek, that Spencer was avoiding. Why? He had no clue, but he was gonna find out, sooner or later.

*

 

Maybe the right reaction to Spencer's confession would have been to be a little angry that the young man had lied to him for so long. It would have been normal to be angry that apparently Reid didn't trusted him enough to tell him about his sexuality, but instead the young man had chose to lie, going to the extent of kissing that girl Lila and maybe even date her a bit, to hide the fact he's gay. If Derek'd felt angry, it didn't lasted long enough for him to really remember being angry at Reid. What he felt since he'd went to see Reid was confused and lost.  _Did his friend feared his reaction that much that he'd never dare telling Derek about preferring men to women? Had Derek sent him the wrong message or something? Was he so blind that he didn't see Reid's feeling for him?_ So many questions that were left unanswered. So many doubts in his mind and no Reid to clarify them.

*

 

The next Monday, two days after his visit to Spencer's. Derek went to work like every mondays. He made himself a mug of coffee, pushed his go-bag under his desk and then went for Garcia's lair to great her and see how she was doing after the Henkel nightmare.

 

“Hey, how you doin', Baby Girl?”

“Oh, hi, Love. I'm good, you?”

“Good. But tell me how you've been doing since...you know.”

“I was a bit shaken but now I'm good I think. I'm more worried about Reid, to be honest. He's been avoiding my calls and texts for the past two days, I went by his place but he didn't even answered the door. I'm really scared something's really wrong with him, Derek. Did he finally got in touch with you?” Garcia asked, worry painting her face.

“I went to see him friday night, he let me in, we talked.”

“You talked?” Garcia repeated, suspicious. She felt that there's more to the story than Morgan was letting her know. “Why do I feel you're not telling me everything?!”

Derek was about to answer her question when both their phones starting beeping. Looking over at his phone, he saw it was Hotch, meaning only one thing.

“New case. Is it okay to talk about this later?” He asked, right now he wanted to focus on work, he would talk with Garcia about Reid, once they'd time and he didn't felt so lost anymore.

“Okay. But as soon as we have time, I want to know everything Derek Morgan.”

“I promise to tell you everything, Princess. Just not right now.”

“Good enough for me, now let's go, the Boss Man is waiting for us.”

 

In the bullpen, Derek quickly noticed Reid's empty chair, he looked over at JJ, but the blond agent seemed to be just as lost as he was. It's Hotch that cleared everyone's questioning:

 

“As you all notice, Reid isn't gonna be with us for awhile. He called me yesterday and asked for a temporary leave.”

“Do we know when he'll be back?” Prentiss asked.

“I told him to take as much time as he needed to get back on his feet.” Hotch answered. “Until then, we will have to do without him.”

Derek kept silent, but deep inside, he knew he was one of the reasons why the Genius wasn't with them this morning.

*

 

Two weeks later, Reid still hadn't come back to work and Derek really started worrying. This was unusual behavior for the younger agent to not let them know anything, even JJ had no clue what was going on. The only one still in touch with Reid was Hotch, well kind of. Derek was sure something was up, he didn't know why, but he couldn't shake off the feeling that something must be very wrong with his friend, which is why he'd decided to go see for himself.

*

 

It was Friday night, and they just came back from a very tough case in Atlanta, about a veteran stuck into his PTSD trauma and killing people haphazardly. Their Unsub hadn't survived, he'd been shot and had died almost instantly. It had been tough on every one, but especially for Gideon.

Derek was wrecked and a bit cranky from the case, but no matter how exhausted he was he hadn't been able to shake off the feeling that something was wrong with Reid and that he needed to go see him as soon as they landed in D.C..

 

The drive to Reid's place didn't take long, and soon Derek was letting himself in into the building with the set of keys his friend had gave him one day. Climbing the stairs he quickly found himself in front of Reid's apartments door. Knocking a few times, after he'd took a deep breath, Derek waited for his friend to come open the door. He knew the Genius was home because he could here the faint sound of his TV working. Seeing that no one was coming to open the door, Derek knocked on the wooden framed again, calling Reid's name this time:

 

"Reid? It's Morgan. Reid, please, open the door. I just want to check up on you, man, then I'll leave." Still no answer. He knocked again, only to hear the sound of the television go a bit higher. "Reid..? Reid, please. Open the door. I'll use my keys if you don't! Reid?"

When he saw the door staying close, Derek finally decided to use his keys and entered the apartment.

 

The living room was plunge into total darkness, except for the light coming from the TV and a small ray slipping in through the halfway closed curtains. Closing the door behind him, Derek called for his friend gently:

 

"Reid..?"

"Leave." Came the weak reply.

"Spencer, listen..." Derek tried to say, before he was cut by the younger mans sudden outburst.

"LEAVE. I asked you to leave, what's so difficult to understand in LEAVE." Shaking, Spencer got up from the couch he'd been curled up in.

"Spence..." Derek almost whispered when he took in what state his best friend was. Reid looked horrible. Like a ghost. He'd lost weight, so much he had sunken cheeks now, his hair looked drab and unruly, like they hadn't been washed the past few days. Lost in a long thick cardigan, the young Doctor seemed to be very cold, which was surprising because Morgan was sure the heat was working at his maximum.

"Damn, Pretty Boy, what happened to you?" Derek asked, while coming closer to the brunet that tried to get away from the older man but was stopped by the coffee table.

"Don't." Spencer said, shaking. "Don't call me that. No Pretty Boy to tease me, no Spence to belittle me. Just don't. Go away."

"Spencer, please, talk to me. Don't shut me out, let me help you." Derek begged, he was now facing the young man, and never before did Spencer seemed so small in front of him.

"Help me?" Spencer repeated, incredulous. "No one can help me. Not even you. Especially you."

"Spencer, please, I can help you. I can. Just talk to me." Derek said gently, extending his hand to put it on Spencer's forearm. He didn't expected to see the younger man wince and whimper under his touch. All alarms in Derek's head went off at the same time then, this was more serious than it seemed.

"You're hurt?" He asked, afraid to get an answer.

"N-no. I'm not. Leave, please." Spencer lied, begging the man to go away once again.

"No. I won't leave, Spence. Not until you tell me what's going on and most importantly why you're hurt and look like a ghost."

"You want to know?" Spencer suddenly spit out, a bit of life roaring inside of him suddenly. "What is it that you wanna know exactly, Derek. How I've been in hell since Tobias Henkel! Or how I can't sleep anymore because every time I close my eyes it's nightmares of him and what he did to me that I see! Or maybe it's this you want to know..." Spencer finally said, rage making his eyes burn and shine with tears as he lifted his cardigan sleeve and exposed his forearm for Derek to see the patterns the needles had made there.

Not daring to look anywhere else than at Spencer's arm, and not really certain that what he was seeing was true, Derek croaked the younger mans name, he couldn't believe... Not him, not Spencer...

"You don't know how it's been like, he drugged me with Dilaudid so many times and now I'm an addict, I need my fix every day and you have...you have no idea how hard it's been to fight over myself and not use too much of it. I could only stole two vials from him and now...now, I..." It was too much for him and Spencer just broke down in tears, ashamed and angry.

Derek couldn't take Spencer's pain anymore and not do something to calm his friends down, so he did the only thing he knew how to do. Slowly, he took the slender mans into his arms and hold him close to him, holding on a bit more when Spencer started struggling to get away from his embrace. Derek still held on tight when Spencer started throwing weak punches at his stomach and sides, because it's the only surface on Derek's body that the young man could reach. He was so weak, though, that Spencer didn't hit him for too long.

"No. Leave me. Leave me alone. I want you to go away and let me go. I don't need you... I don't need you. Just go away." Spencer rumbled weakly in between sobs. "I hate you. I hate you so much. Why did you had to come here? Why you? I didn't wanted you to know? I never wanted you to know anything. I'm a big boy, I can handle things on my own. I don't need you. Why did you have to come tonight? I-I hate you... And yet I can't stop loving you and every I think of you I feel like I'm dying inside, and being in the same room as you, even the mere thought of it has become too painful now, and the worst in all this...is that...is that I just can't quit the BAU and I can't stand to lose you again, because the first time hurt too much...I-I...I..."

Spencer kept rambling for what felt like hours, and all along Derek held him close, not letting go of his fragile frame. Later, when the brunet had no strength left to fight or talk anymore, Derek lifted him into his arms and took him to the bedroom where he laid him on the bed, pulling the covers over his shivering form, Derek stayed by the young mans side until he fell asleep. Whispering weakly for Derek to not leave him alone. When he was sure that Spencer was asleep, Derek got out of the bedroom and called the only two person that could help him and could help Spencer now.

He didn't get through JJ so he left her a voice mail and a text. Then he dialed Garcia's number, he might have been lucky cause the bubbly woman answered her phone after a few rang.

 

"Baby, I know you can't get enough of me but please tell me you're calling because its important and not WORK related!"

"Sorry, Baby Girl, but I wouldn't have called if it wasn't really important. It's about Reid."

"Reid? What? What about him? Oh my god, Derek, what happened?"

"It'll be too long to tell you everything now, but can you meet me at his place tomorrow. He...I... There's no one else beside you and JJ that I can trust with him right now, and...please, Baby Girl, can you come tomorrow morning."

"Yes, yes, of course. I'll be there at nine. I'll be there, baby, don't worry."

"Thank you, Princess. I'm gonna hang up and go back to him now, okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Good night."

"Yeah, good night. Kiss Reid for me."

"I will." And with that, Derek hung up.

 

Getting rid of his jacket, shoes, gun, jeans and socks, Derek then locked the door and went back to Reid's bedroom, putting his phone on the nightstand, he slipped in into the young mans bed and held him close. Spencer might have recognize him in his sleep, because he turned around searching for Derek and buried himself against the older mans chest before falling back into a very deep slumber.

Derek stayed awake a very long time after that, watching over Reid silently, his arms securely wrapped around his fragile frame. Hoping he wasn't too late.

 


	4. New Orleans

> _**"I didn't know you would be here last night, but you were. We can't fight fate. Instead, we must accept that fate has given us a special opportunity." - Lisa See, Peony in Love** _

* * *

 

Rehab; Spencer's on-going fight since Morgan, Garcia and JJ, had came  to his apartment to help him.

While Morgan was watching over him, and trying to make him eat something, Spencer had admitted that he couldn't even remember when was the last time he did. Garcia and JJ had searched the Internet, for the Tech Analyst, and made phone calls for his best friend, after what had felt like hours and hours to Spencer's pounding head, they'd finally found a program that would help him get  through rehab and cure his addiction.

Knowing he hadn't been using that much and  for not that long was somewhat a chance. He'd only used drug with Henkel and just once on his own.  O ne of the two vials he'd stole from Henkel was still untouched and now was somewhere in his building's sewer system after Derek had threw it into his toilets and flushed them. Spencer had barely reacted, but his insides had knotted themselves in all kind s of ways, the addicted part of him sinking with his last dose of Dilaudid.

After talking it through with his friends.  F irst step being  confess to the two women what was his problem and then tell them about Henkel. Together, they'd decided to go for the Intensive outpatient program, also known as IOP.

 

_**The Intensive outpatient program, (IOP)** _ , was a not a live-in treatment program, but it still required a major time commitment, as intensive outpatient programs usually met at least three days a week for two to four hours a day or more. The major focus being relapse prevention. These outpatient programs were often scheduled around work or school, which had been a big relief for Reid who felt like this would only be something he could do if he kept some structure in his life and had people around him that knew , and could help him through the program. Garcia had gotten in touch with Hotch and found out that the FBI offered an Employee Assistance Program with addiction counseling. That was another relief for Reid, he didn't want this to cause him problem paying for his mom's treatment and care center. Even in his state, Diana was still his first priority.

Finally, they even found a local support group for law enforcement addicts for him to attend after the IOP.

Alone, Spencer knew he wouldn't have been able to find the help he needed, and maybe would have used Dilaudid again.

*

 

The case in New Orleans happened a bit after Spencer was freed to fly again with the team and work on cases outside of D.C.. All through IOP, he hadn't been cleared to get back into work full-time.  It had been tough at first, as he felt like he'd lost most of his markers, but the meetings three times per week at the hospital helped a lot and slowly Spencer felt like he was getting his life back. He also had to admit that Garcia and Derek invasion of his life really had made a difference.

Both friends had talked it through, a bit before Spencer started IOP, and had concluded that it would be best if for the beginning of his rehab program Reid wasn't left alone in his apartment at nights and on the days he didn't have meetings with his counselor. The Genius had cringed to see the two agents invade his private life at first, but at the same time a part of him had felt so relieved to not be left alone at night when he had plenty of time to think about using and not gave in to his cravings.

Garcia had been a bit hard to get used to, as with her came a lot of fluffy and colorful toys or  many other unknown objects.  S he'd happily adopted his couch to sleep on the first few nights, but feeling guilty and worried about her back, Reid had told her it'd be best if they could find her a bed camp to sleep on, one with a real mattress like they had in hospitals for guest to spend the night. It's Derek that found the bed, one of his friends had one and had been more than happy to help  out and len d it to them. Of course, Garcia had brought colorful linens, pillows and a thick comforter to make it even homier. Needless to say that when Spencer had caught Derek sleeping in the bed the first time, he hadn't been able to keep  himself from laughing loudly and had startled the black agent up. Derek had look lost and ready to jump on whomever it was that had invaded the apartment,  for a minute, then his brain had finally recognized who used to laugh  like that and to whom that voice belonged to.

 

"Pretty Boy?" Derek had said lowly. "It's good to hear you laugh."

"I-I was just going to get me some water. It ' s still dark outside, go back to sleep, Morgan."

"Oh-I...okay." Derek had answered, confused. Spencer knew it ha d been because the older man still wasn't used to the Genius calling him by his last name every time they were together out of work.

 

It was harsh on the man, Spencer knew, but it was the only way he'd found to keep a certain distance between them and not have his mind mix everything again, what was happening  on one side and his feelings for someone that couldn't love him back the same way  on the other .  At least l ike this, it was less  messy . It was also easier to see Derek sleep in Garcia’s bed camp than with him in his bed. The morning after his massive breakdown, Spencer had had the most  difficulties not taking advantage of the situation and wrap  himself around Derek's hot  form . He'd even pretended to still be sleeping, when he felt the older man wake up, because he was afraid Derek might have read his previous thoughts in his eyes. Since then sleeping in separate rooms had help Spencer quite a bit.

*

 

Neither he nor Hotch had told the others he was coming back full-time at work, so it wasn't a surprise when his colleagues looked at him with meaningful glances, keeping silent while JJ told them about the case.

 

"Okay, wheels up in thirty. And, welcome back Dr. Reid." Hotch finally said, putting an end to their review of the case.

 

Putting the  manila folder in his messenger back, Spencer didn't expected Garcia to just run to hug him.

 

"Oooh, welcome back my Cerebral. I'm so happy to see  you looking so good and back with us full-time." The woman cooed, indeed looking very happy to have Spencer back. The young man kept from telling her that they'd seen each other a few days ago when she spent the night for the last time at his apartment.

"Thank you, Penelope. I'm happy to be  b ack too."

 

Nodding happily, the tech analyst hugged him one last time and then left for her lair. Leaving just Spencer and Derek in the bullpen, Prentiss and JJ had waved at him to welcome him back, and Gideon had tapped his shoulder before following Hotch out of the conference room. Placing the strap of his messenger back on his left shoulder, Spencer tried not to be too conscious of the black agent presence in the room with him.

 

"Garcia's right you know?" Derek remarked gently.

"About what?"

"You do look good, better. It's a relief, kid."

Spencer shook his head, it was always hard not give Derek's words more meaning than they had.

"When will you stop calling me that?" He asked, curious. His voice soft, empty of the bitterness it'd once held when he'd made the same remark to the older man. "Every time I hear you call me like that I really feel like you're belittling me, it's... I don't know. Never mind." Spencer added before turning around to leave the room. It's Derek's voice that kept him from walking out.

"It's not like that , you know . When I call  you kid or Pretty Boy. It's not and has never been to belittle you. On the contrary. It's just like when I call Garcia, Baby Girl. It's my way to showing both  of you that you matter. You matter enough to be call those tender names. I know you and I are in a bad place right now, that it'll never be like before but I just can't quit on what we had and still have. That means too much for me and I'm sorry I can never be what you truly want, I really am, Spence, but..."

"But there's no but, it's all in the past and I'm a big boy, don't worry. I just regret ever opening my mouth."

"Spencer, I..."

"We have to go, Hotch don't like for us to be late catching the jet." And with that Reid left, leaving a looking very touched Derek behind him.

*

 

New Orleans was still deeply scarred by Katrina, and it's a town rebuilding itself from the ground, like a Phoenix  from  its ashes , that they found.

Like always the team didn't wasted time to get to work, Hotch being an effective leader, the man quickly told each member what to do to catch the killer as quickly as possible. Spencer's knowledge on the case that'd been Jack The Reaper, had been a great help for them to come up with a profile and deliver it to the local P.D. .

It was the first week Spencer spent away from D.C. , and from the IOP schedule that'd ruled his life recently. It was tough being back on the field, drawing a line between his experience and the case they were currently working on. The Genius tried his best to be as good a  profiler as he was before Henkel, he  tried his hardest not to show the others his sensibility and struggling over the killings,  the  Unsub and dealing with no more structure around him to prevent him from experiencing relapse. Part of his mind knew he could do this, knew he was stronger now and that it would be fine. But another one, more vicious and persistent just kept filling him with doubts and instilled insecurities in his heart every chance it could. He also knew that Gideon and Morgan had noticed and to be truly honest Spencer really didn't want to face them right now. Especially Morgan. He really needed the man to be the f u rther away from him, he needed distance and closure before he could be able to let the man in again.

It's those thoughts that pushed him to call Ethan and asked his ex for them to meet. He missed the man, he did, but he also needed to talk to someone. Someone outside of his world, someone that, no matter  how many years that'd past, would understand him without needing words.

 

They met by the end of the afternoon, after Spencer and Emily came back from the  forensics’ office where they checked the last victim body.

 

"Boo!" Spencer exclaimed, smirking, as he came out of his hiding spot, when he heard Ethan get closer and closer  t o where he was hiding.

"Geez! Reid...you scared me, man." Ethan exclaimed.

"I've always been one step ahead of you, man." The Genius  replied . Smirk still in place.

"Yeah, whatever helps  you sleep at night, man." Ethan retorted, not impressed. "I'm glad you called. It's good to see you." He then added, slapping Reid's shoulder gently.

"Me too." Spencer admitted.

"Let's go take a drink." Ethan proposed, going around Spencer to lead him towards the bars entrance.

Spencer followed the man happily.

*

 

Ethan was ordering them two drinks when Prentiss tried to call him once. Looking at who was calling, Spencer didn't even answer, just closed his phone and put it back in his pocket.  It 's when Ethan turned around to him and gave him his  glass of Bourbon.

 

"So, are you gonna ask the question?" The older man suddenly said.

"What question?" Reid asked, confused.

"Come on, man, it's me here. We haven't talked to each other in years, I know that's why you called me. Ask the question." Ethan remarked.

"Why did you quit after only one day of FBI training?" Spencer finally asked.

"Well... I'm sure you considered the evidence, analyzed the signs. What's your theory?" Ethan told him, a bit of mockery  vibrating in his voice.

"You we re battling demons; you hadn't time to analyze someone else's."

"Not bad, not bad. Those days I did prefer Jack Daniels to Jeff Tomer. But they both weight on your soul eventually." His friend admitted.

"Sorry." Spencer said, after he ignored Prentiss second call. She really wasn't the one he needed or wanted to talk  to right now, lately she  tended to get more on his nerves than any other thing  or person could.

"The bad phone..." Ethan mocked.

"Let me ask you this, Ethan... Do you ever regret it?" Spencer asked the man in a low voice. Anxious and curious to get an answer.

"No. I'm may not be changing the world but music makes me happy. Doesn't take a profiler to see that you're not." Ethan answered, looking more serious now as his eyes took in all details of Spencer's appearance.

"It's not easy...it's not...I-I can't believe some of the things that I've seen." Spencer confessed, following the other  man to  sit on two chairs.

"John Coltrane was a genius too. He died of cancer, but most people thing it was the booze and heroin that did the man." Ethan explained, facing him and playing with his glass of JD.

"What are you tryin' to say?" Spencer asked, defensively.

"You look like you come back from hell." Ethan observed.

Spencer stayed silent. He didn't need Ethan to know that but  that still touched  him more it  sh ould've.

"Come on, man. I'm a jazz musician in New Orleans, I know what it looks like... " Ethan said. "It's may be the one time I can tell you something you don't already know. It might make you forget but it won't make it go away." The older man said pointing at the big glass of bourbon in Spencer's hand.

The younger man, slid deeper into his ch air and crossed his arms and legs around him. He wanted to be honest with Ethan, he knew his friend had already figured everything out, but he didn't wanted to do this here, in the middle of the bar and for anyone to hear him. Ethan might have understood his dilemma, because next thing, he was taking one last sip of his whiskey and put the glass on the small table next to their chairs, then got up.

"What do you say we go somewhere more...private."

"Private? Or intimate?" Spencer couldn't help asking. He felt so alone, trapped in his one sided love and Ethan had always been a great lover, not just in bed. And Spencer couldn't deny that Ethan still attracted him strongly. Like before the man needn't to ask him twice, because for him Spencer would always say yes, even though they weren't together anymore.

"It can be whatever you want it to..." Ethan answered, his words full of meaning.

Getting up and leaving his untouched glass on the table, Spencer got closer and whispered.

"Why don't you show me your place..."

"Stay the night?" Ethan asked.

"Like I could resist." Spencer told the other man.

Together they left the bar, it was already dark outside, but luckily Ethan didn't live to far so they quickly made it to his apartment. The first kiss came again st the front door, the older man barely had time closing it that his mouth was finding Spencer's hungry one.

"Gosh, I missed that." Ethan whispered in between kisses, his hands finding t he  skin under Spencer's vest and shirt, and making the Genius shivered in his arms.

"And I missed you... Take me to your room." Spencer said, his mouth against the older  man’s throat.

"As you wish." Ethan replied, lifting the younger man in his arms and taking him to his bedroom.

*

 

It's wearing the same shirt he wore the day before and having forgotten his vest at Ethan's, that Spencer arrived at the precinct the following morning. Morgan and Prentiss were already there and busy going over the case and  the questioning they'd made in Galveston the night before. Quickly sitting down and taking his things  out from his messenger bag, Spencer asked them, absently:

 

"Hey, how did it go in Galveston?"

"Fine. Where were you?" Morgan answered. Face closed and looking curious to know where the hell was Spencer the night before.

"Huh, with a friend. Sorry I missed the plane." The younger agent explained. Way from feeling sorry, but tried to not show that.

"I called you four times." Prentiss told him then.

"There was no reception where we were, I only saw your messages this morning." Spencer lied.

"Great." The raven haired woman sighed.

*

 

After they finally catch the killer and put a end to the case, Reid went to see Ethan playing at the bar one last time before they had to go back to Quantico. He didn't  expect Gideon to join him there, though. He knew that if the older agent had followed him there, it was for a good reason, that one being  that he wanted to talk about Reid's behavior. To simplify things and because it was pointless to lie to someone that could read him like an opened book, the Genius decided to simply confessed what  he'd done.

 

"I miss the plane on purpose."

"I know." Gideon said. Of course he knew, Spencer thought.

"I'm struggling." Spencer admitted.

"It's normal, anybody  that’s been through what you been through recently would. Did it  help ?" Gideon replied.

"I guess, I was just trying to see if I could step away from the job." Spencer explained. And it was true, he'd called Ethan because he missed him, because he needed someone to confide in and most importantly because he wanted to know if he ever could quit his job if things became way  too hard to deal with.

"And?"

"I'll never miss the plane again." He couldn't quit this job. It was what he been working  for so hard all his life. It was what he liked to do. Solving cases, saving people. He couldn't never do something else than that.

"Good. Your friend really is talented." Gideon concluded, looking at Ethan with admiration.

"Yeah...he really is." Spencer softly said, his heart tightening a bit as he watched his ex playing. If only their relationship had lasted, maybe he would be happy today and not that miserable.

*

 

 

Back in the jet, JJ suddenly asked Spencer, completely out of the blue. A small smile on her face:

 

"Hey, Spence..."

"Hmm..." Spencer retorted absently, his gaze lost through the window.

"So who was that Ethan friend of yours? I couldn't even meet him. That's too bad."

Spencer turned his head to look at the blond woman, he figured that now was a good time, so he might as well be honest and tell them.

"Ethan is my ex!"

"Your ex? As in ex-boyfriend or ex-lover?" Prentiss exclaimed with big eyes.

"But...what? Wait you mean that you're..." JJ croaked.

"Gay?" Spencer said for her. "Yes, I am. Is there a problem with that?"

"WHAT?" JJ suddenly exclaimed, looking agitated. "Of course it's not a problem, but... Hey, what about that thing with Lila in Hollywood?" The blond woman added, confused.

"It meant nothing. She kissed me, I kinda kissed back more by reflex than by want and that's it end of story."

"But...she's..."

"She was just a cover because I didn't  want you guys to look at me like you do now. Like I'm even  weirder to your eyes now that you know I'm gay."

"Oh Spence..." JJ said, getting up from her seat to go sit in the chair in front of him. "What are you  thinking? We don't think you're weird at all. Sometimes a bit eccentric with the  math , okay, I'll admit. But that you love men and not women, who cares? Personally I don't, you're still the same person to me and I think learning this makes you even more precious to us. I'm sorry if we sent you the wrong message and you've been afraid to come out for all this year. But with us, there's nothing you need to worry about, trust me."

"Yeah, JJ's right. Now, what were  you doing with your ex that cause your phone to die?" Prentiss asked, smirking, covering up him ignoring her calls two nights before.

Spencer blushed violently when images of the night he and Ethan came rushing back in his mind. Biting on his bottom lip, he finally said, looking back through the window:

"Ethan and I we always clicked very well, and this wasn't different than the others. Even, though, our relationship didn't last, I still feel the same when I'm faced with him."

"Oooh... I say we wait  t o be in Quantico for this. Garcia would kill us if we didn't."

"I am not talking about my sexual life with you women." Spencer suddenly exclaimed, looking scared that the three women could find ways to force him talk.

*

 

 

From his seat, Derek listened  as JJ and Prentiss questioned Reid about Ethan. Of course he knew about Reid's ex because the young man, himself, had told him about them being together before Reid became part of their team. When he and Prentiss had to take the jet for Galveston, Morgan had had doubts all along their journey and back to New Orleans, that Reid  could be with Ethan, which was why he wasn't answering any of their calls. Now, that the young man had admitted being with Ethan and also coming out to their team, Morgan could help the sudden rush of feels blooming inside of him.

He didn't get why he felt that way, but the mere thought of Reid with that guy was enough to anger him. He wasn't stupid, and was a good profiler, he didn't take much to notice the blush on the Genius's cheeks at the mention of his night with Ethan. Derek knew what that meant, knew that it wasn't just two friends meeting together to bound again after so many years of not hearing anything from the other. He knew that if Reid had came into work the next day wearing the same shirt he wore the day before, it was because the young man hadn't slept in their hotel room, he had slept somewhere else, which had forced him to dress with the same clothes the next day. That, and knowing Ethan was Reid's ex, and had been important enough for them both to be in a long relationship, Derek had quickly concluded that it's with him that Reid was, and that meant they had slept together again.

The normal reaction would have been to be happy that his friend hadn't been alone and had found him so me lovin', even only for one night. The normal reaction would have been to be relie ved that Reid was kind of getting over him, right? But, the thing was...he wasn't.

He wasn't happy or relieved at all. He hated the thought of someone else being with his best friend. Hated the thought of some other man putting their hands on Reid and doing things he couldn't even begin to imagine, but knew perfectly what they were because he wasn't a saint and hook up he did a lot. He also hated that deep down in his guts, it's jealousy he felt as he listened to Reid tell the girls who Ethan was and how they'd seen each other again after so many years. He felt so jealous to see that that brought a look of happiness and satisfaction on the younger's face,  that he hadn't been be able to make appear for a very long time now it seemed. He didn't get what was happening to him, only that he was confused, lost and most importantly jealous.

And all of this was because Reid had been with another man.

*

 

It's that jealousy that led him to tell Spencer he was driving him back to his place, because he didn't wanted the young man to take the train home. Which they both knew was a  complete excuse. It's also that jealousy that made him say: “ _Get in._ ”,  w hen they arrived at his car back in the parking lot of the BAU. And it's that jealousy again that pushed him to ask Reid the question, before the young man could get out of his car and go to his apartment.

 

“You slept with him, didn't you?” Derek suddenly asked, after the engine of his car had died down, and looking straight in front of him through his windshield. He saw Spencer's hand froze on the door handle.

“Why do you ask me that? I told you, I'm sorry I missed the plane.” Spencer answered, feeling suddenly like a deer caught in the lights of the car driving to him.

“I don't care about the plane, Reid. Just answer me, did you sleep with him?” Derek retorted.

“And what if I did...” The younger man suddenly exclaimed, turning his head towards Derek, still looking through the windshield.

“Spence...” Derek tried to say, to be cut by the Genius raising voice.

“NO...Don't. You don't get to Spence me like that. Not anymore. You  can barely even look at me, Morgan. Come on, turn your head. I'm right here, turn your head and dare to ask me the question again.”

Derek held on his wheel tighter, his jaw tightening as well. The words Spencer was throwing at him were so violent and soaked bitterness. However how hard he searched, he couldn't f ind the moment when his and Spencer relation ship had started to fall apart. He had never wanted that and the fact Spencer was gay didn't change anything in how for him the young man was still one of the most precious person in his life.  _So why? How?_

“You can't even  look at me, can you?” Spencer then whispered, before opening the passenger's door. “Yes. Yes, I slept with him. Because he was there for me, still so kind and attractive. Because he asked, and because sex was always the best part of our relationship. You go almost every night fucking women after women that you don't even know and I never once ever dare to ask you about any of them. But you get the right to when it comes to me spending the night with my ex. You know, I wish I never fell for someone like you. I wish I didn't have all these feelings inside of me for you... Just because I love you, Morgan, he doesn't mean I have to stay single and never again know other men.”

“Spencer, please, wait, I...” Derek suddenly said, trying to hold back the brunet.

“WHAT? What, Morgan? What do you want from me? You want me to tell you why I missed the plane. You want the true reason of me ignoring yours and Prentiss' calls. Okay, I'll tell you. It's because of you. Yeah, you, don't be so surprised. It's because it's become very hard to work with you and still have this weird friendship that bonds us. It's because I wanted to escape from you if only for a minute and tried and see if I could step away from the job. Well, guess what... I can't, and I will never be able to. I won't miss any other plane. But you I can distance myself from. For my own good, starting of now, you and I should never see other again outside of work. At work we'll keep it like it always been, but apart from that Spencer and Derek doesn't exist anymore. Goodnight, Morgan. See you  Monday at work.”

And with that the young man was out of  the car, rushing towards his apartment building. Derek felt like with him a part of his heart was slowly disappearing too. And that feeling hurt like nothing else had ever hurt him before.  What did he just do? And most importantly,  what did he just  lose ?

 


	5. Amplifications

> “ _ **You can run from the truth. You can run and hide from the truth.**_
> 
> _**You can deny and avoid the truth. But you cannot destroy the truth. Nor can you make the lie true. You must know that love will always uncover the truth.” - Delano Johnson, Love Quotes** _

 

* * *

 

Settling down  into a new routine where he and Reid weren't close anymore had been hard. So very hard.  Acting professional like he always used to at work had come easily, like a reflex. But  ignoring Spencer when they were alone,  trying to stay indifferent when they couldn't work out something and had to shared a hotel room on cases or even fight over the reflex of grabbing his phone to text or call the brunet because there was a book or new movie out or something stupid that'd made him think of the young man and that he was sure would have interested him, was the hardest thing he had to do.

He got what the younger man was trying to do. He got that he wanted distance and a clean break between them. He got  that Spencer needed that. And he got nothing could ever be like before. But even though he got all that, it didn't mean it didn't suck. It didn't mean it didn't hurt that he'd lost his best friend.

That night, after Spencer, no Reid, after Reid had declared they were done, Derek had drove back home, picked up Clooney from the animal shelter and then found the loneliness and calm of his home. A home that had once resonated with the laughters of his best friend.

Clooney might have felt his distress because he came to cuddle him for hours once Derek was out of the shower and lay down on his big bed, too big for only one person.

He can't even remember how and when he fell asleep, he know he didn't told Clooney to go sleep on his bed in the corner of the room and kept the dog next to him all night. The next day, he'd drove to Garcia ’s after she texted him to know if he had plans today. It's like on automatic that he'd seen himself get into his car and drive over to hers. She'd kn own instantly something was really wrong when she'd opened her door.

 

"Ok, tell me everything." She'd said grabbing the venti caramel macchiato he'd bought for her, and pushing him to sit on the couch. Derek hadn't resisted and told her everything, from when he met Spencer as kids to their talk the night before.

 

Garcia had let him talk, listening carefully and not cutting him once, then when he was finally done, she'd just said, gently:

"Well, fuck!"

He had kind of laughed bitterly, it wasn't really laughing, more like chuckling darkly and having his shoulders move on their own accord. He then felt Garcia's hand slid in his.

"Baby, I know it's hard and what I'm gonna say will be even  harder to get, but... I think, maybe, you should give him space. Let him have that and come back to you when he feels ready. There's no point in pushing things. It will only drive you even more apart than you already are."

"But, I..." Derek started.

"I know." Garcia said, clever enough to have guessed his thoughts. "You should try to get yourself during that time. Try to understand all those mixed feelings and emotions you're experiencing and why. Then you'll know where you really stand."

"Thanks, Baby Girl."

He went home not long after his morning with Garcia. On the ride home, he'd thought about her words and had decided, not easily, that he would give Spencer the space he needed. He didn't want to risk losing him even more when it was clear what he had to do to keep that from happening.

Taking such decision wasn't easy but it also had its consequences.

 

First, it hadn't been long before the team remarked that something was going on between him and Reid. They didn't  poke or asked but Morgan knew they had a lot of questions and no answers to them. He'd played it cool, trying not to think about it too much, and maybe the fact that Garcia knew helped a little with dealing with everything.

After some time, a routine installed itself and they made it work, Reid and him. It still wasn't what Derek truly wanted, but at least they made it work.

He wasn't a fool, though, and neither was he blind. He knew he wasn't the only one struggling, he could see how Reid was touched by their situation too, he could feel every time the  man’s eyes lingered on him when the Genius thought he wasn't noticing, could see those moments of hesitation when they were alone and that the young  man’s mouth would begin to form his  forename and not his last. And he could see the longing on the brunets face when they were in the jet, that all the others were asleep, and Reid would discreetly looked at him faking to be lost in his music. All this he could see and maybe that's why it was so difficult, too.

But it wasn't as difficult as having to stop himself from going over to his friend after a really tough case, when he knew the younger agent had been really moved by it. Like that case where Reid was the one to arrive at the school and had tried to stop their missing victim's dad to not kill their Unsub. They'd arrived  too late, and Reid had witnessed their Unsub being killed coldly. He could never forget the immeasurable fear that took over his body as he run to the school and searched the hallways for Reid. The he'd heard the gun shot and he'd felt his blood froze in his veins. Oh, how he wished he could have done something then. How he wished he could have been there for his friend and comfort him when he knew Reid had started going to that support group for law enforcement addicts after this case. And how he wished he could have been there too when Gideon had disappeared and left Spencer that poor excuse of a letter to explain his choice.

Don't get him wrong, he understood the  man’s need to get away from their job, from the crazy that was their lives, from the pain losing the woman he loved had caused him. Derek got all that. But he didn't  agree with the man burdening Reid with that letter. Shaking him so deep after everything the Genius had had to go through already.

Derek would have wished to be able to bring Spencer some comfort or at least give him a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, and he knew that that's what the young man had craved for ; he'd understood it when he'd met his eyes once in the jet. He'd tried to  reach out to his friend, and for an instant he thought it'd worked but just as quickly as that moment had appeared, it was gone. Reid had closed himself once again and Derek had watched their opportunity fade like dust in the wind.

 

Slowly after that, life had got back on  its routine. Cases came and went, David Rossi joined their team, Strauss still was a pain in their asses. And all along Derek had to watch Spencer from afar, had to long for him, had to mull over again and again how he missed him, how he would have gave anything to only just get a smile, something that proved he still mattered to the young man. That he was still one of the most important  people in the Genius' life, just like Spencer was in his.

 

It had been a long time coming but with so much time to think about things, to replay their story again and again, to miss the brunet like he never missed anyone before and analyze his feelings and emotions like Garcia had told him to do. He'd finally understood that Spencer hadn't been just his best friend for a very long time, the young man, he still didn't really know how, had managed to slip into his heart deep enough that what he felt for him couldn't be considered as pure friendship anymore. And that, that had freaked him out.

 

It's Garcia that made him realize what was going on and made him accept that what he felt for Spencer wasn't wrong, that it was normal and totally okay to feel that way for another man, it happened sometimes. Sometimes you found yourself developing feelings ; really deep feelings for a person you'd never expected to one day have feelings for. Derek had understood that, tragically. All it'd took for him to understand, was for Reid to be infected with Anthrax and not knowing if they would find a cure, because they worked on borrowed time, and Derek had never been as scared before.

*

 

Once they had got a name for their suspect, Derek drove by the hospital to pick up Reid and take him with him so they could go check Dr. Laurence Nichols' house. Derek never thought events would  turn like they did.

They were in front of the house when Prentiss called, Derek was too busy answering her to notice Reid cutting himself in one of the rose-bushes. He'd stopped walking to take the call, and when the sprinkler irrigation had suddenly started, Derek had been too distracted to notice Reid going into the house without him.

 

"They got nothing." Derek said, as he turned around for Reid, but only to see that the brunet was there anymore. "Reid?" He asked.

“Reid?" He repeated. Still, he got no answer so he went for the house.

"Reid?" He said more urgently, fear creeping into him as ran to the house.

"Reid" He asked again. "REID?" He almost shouted as he got into the house. That was only to see his friend rush to the door and slid it close before Derek could go any further.

"Mo-Morgan get back, get back, get out of here." Reid told him urgently, locking the door. Making sure Derek wouldn't be able to force the door open.

"What? No, no. Come on." Derek said, now freaked out and confused as to why Reid didn't want him to enter Nichols' office.

"NOW. You need to get back." Reid told him again.

"What's wrong? Reid open the door." He asked the Genius, before he met his hazel eyes and read everything in the depth of them.

Reid looked regretful and very open then:

"I'm sorry." He said lowly, his eyes not leaving Morgan's.

The black man took a few step back, defeated, then his gaze caught the broke test-tube on the floor, and the white powder that was in it laying there behind Reid. He then noticed the air conditioning working full blast.

Dread washed over him as he knew Spencer had been infected with the virus. And there's nothing he could do from outside to help the younger man.

*

 

He should have been inside that house with Reid. He kept thinking. He even said so to Hotch. He knew it wouldn't help them nor would it help Reid. But it was just too hard to suppress. He felt rage and fear and dread took slowly over his body, turning him into  an enraged lion. He felt so helpless, so helpless to be there outside when he should have been helping Reid inside, when all he wanted to do was to go over there, broke down that glass door and took the young Genius out of there.

It's by automatism that he followed Hotch's order, called Garcia and Reid to sort through Nichols' list of students and find who might have been working with him.

It was the longest hours of his life, and every time he got Spencer on the phone the younger man sounded weaker and weaker as the virus spread into his body.

*

 

When Reid and the doc had found the cure and gotten out of the house, Derek had never been  happier to see the young agent step away from a crime scene. He couldn't wait to see the young man go to the hospital, because the false hope he had that Reid having taken meds before they arrive on scene would be enough, had soon been vanished once he heard the Genius coughing into the receiver of his phone. Then, Derek knew that his friend was infected too.

 

He was so worried he couldn't leave Reid's side, as they made him go into that decontamination tent and then hosed him from head to toe. Derek watched over the young man closely, afraid to see him collapse or something like that maybe, he didn't really know cause he couldn't think clearly, knowing Reid had yet again risked his life and was now sick with a unique kind of anthrax wasn't reassuring at all. He feared the worst, which is why he couldn't leave when he knew Hotch and the others needed him to catch that bastard of Brown.

It's his phone that tore his attention from Reid. It was Hotch, calling to know what was going and how Reid was. Derek answered quickly and shared a few words with the man.

 

"Ok. Yeah, they're hosing him down now.” He told Hotch. “Alright.” He finally said before hanging up. Then turned around towards Reid,

“They're checking on Brown's house." He explained. When he saw the curious look the young man was giving him. The Genius looked like a sad wet rat, he thought, trying at the same time to not let his mind wander somewhere else when he saw the wet clothes starting to draw each lines and curves of the younger man's body.

"Go help Hotch." Reid then told him, acting like he was totally fine and Morgan shouldn't worry so much.

"I'm not leaving you." He retorted, deadly serious. There was no way he was gonna leave Reid alone, who knows how is health would decrease before he was brought to the hospital.

"They need you more than I do." Reid told him, and Derek knew he was right, but a part of him just couldn't go join the others when he knew Reid was deathly sick.

"Reid, I'm gonna see you off to the hospital." Derek replied.

"I'm about to get naked so they can scrub me down...is that something you really wanna see?" Reid then said sarcastically, looking at him like he knew exactly what Derek would answer him. Derek said nothing, just finally agree to do what the young man wanted. They still were in a bad place, after all, and Spencer being now sick didn't change that. So, he agreed to leaving and keeping the boundaries they'd put in place for the sake of the Genius.

"I'll check on you later. Take good care of him please." He told the young man and then Dr. Kimura. Then, unwillingly,  he left.

If he'd waited a bit then he would have learn that Reid had cut himself before going into the house, and that meant very bad news for the young man.

*

 

They'd caught Brown, and the virus had been locked away in Ford Detrick. Derek had decided to stay behind with Reid until the young man woke up. Hotch had gave him extra days for him to verify Reid was taken good care of and someone was there to make sure he didn't leave the hospital as soon as he woke up. They knew how the Genius could be with hospital.

*

 

He was busy reading a review and eating Jello when he heard the small whimper coming out of Reid's lips before he opened his eyes and turned his head to look at him.

"You're eating Jello?" Was the first thing the brunet asked him. Derek smiled, yeah, his Pretty Boy was back.

"Hmm... Hey kid.” He greeted Spencer. He had to admit the young man looked terrible, but Derek had never been happier to see him looked like that. At least, Reid was alive.

“Hey doc...he's back.” Derek then told Dr. Kimura, so that the woman could join them and check on Reid.

"Is there anymore  Jell-O ?" He heard Reid asked him.

"Hey! Not so fast." Dr. Kimura told Reid, smiling kindly.

"What happened?" Spencer asked her, looking a bit lost.

"You're gonna be alright, kid. And we got Brown, it's over." Derek explained.

"How's Abby?" Reid asked Dr. Kimura.

"She's on the med. So are the three others. You were right about what to do with his cure." The woman told Reid, which caused the young man to look a bit more relieved.

"Why was Dr. Nichols making anthrax in the first place?" Reid then asked.

"He was a brilliant scientist downgraded to working on the flu. Brown comes along and help him with his thesis." Derek told him. He was happy to see Spencer cured, but he also yearn to be alone with him to make sure that the Genius really was fine. He wouldn't tell anyone how badly he'd been scared to  lose him. They wouldn't get him.

 

Derek let Dr. Kimura check on Reid's vitals and such and give them instructions to follow before the brunet could leave the hospital, then she left to go check on the other patients still under the meds. Derek had never been more happy and scared to see a doctor leave him alone with Spencer.

“Gosh, you really scared me, kid.” He told Spencer, once they were alone and no one was there to eavesdrop on them. Some conversations, sometimes needed privacy.

Reid looked about to speak but then closed his mouth. He looked quite lost and Derek wondered was it was that was troubling him like that. Then finally, Spencer decided to speak.

“I was in between good hands, you didn't have to stay. Why didn't you left with the others? Is it Hotch that asked you to stay, to make sure I wouldn't leave the hospital too soon?”

"No, I'm not here because Hotch asked me to check on you. I'm here because I asked him to be authorized to stay with you. Then he asked that I keep an eye on you." Derek explained, speaking softly but with a look serious enough for Reid to understand how important this talk was.

"Spencer...I... There was no way I was gonna leave you here when you've been infected because I was too distracted to hold you back while I was on the phone with Prentiss. You have no idea how scared I was, okay. You really have no idea."

"What are you telling me, that you're here because you felt, feel guilty?" Spencer said, confused.

"No, I'm telling you that there's no way I'm gonna leave your side when I was this close to fucking losing you again. Just because you decided you and I were over, it doesn't mean I stopped caring for you. It doesn't mean I won't feel a thing when you're facing death. It doesn't mean I quit on you too, okay."

Spencer looked at him with big eyes, keeping silent. Derek exhaled loudly. This wasn't how he'd wanted to talk with Spencer. He really thought he could be  calmer than this but, to be honest he had way too many feelings and emotions boiling inside of him, it was particularly hard to not be touched by the situation.

"I'm gonna go see if I can get you  Jell-O . You should rest some more." He finally said, before leaving the room.

*

 

A few days passed before Spencer was finally cleared to leave the hospital. Slowly, he'd regain a bit of color in his face and his strength had kinda came back too, though, his lungs were still very sensible and Dr. Kimura had suggest he did not exaggerated and watch out to not use his vocal cords too much. They still needed to heal fully.

After they'd packed all of Reid's belongings, Derek helped him to the SUV and drove him back to his apartment.

The ride to Columbia was mostly silent, the sound of the radio being the only thing to keep Derek company as Reid had dozed off almost as soon as they took the highway.

Often, Derek would throw glances over at Reid's sleeping form. For the young man to sleep so deeply it might have been that he was still very weak from the Anthrax. Derek couldn't help but noticed how the Genius had changed over the months, his way of clothing, his hair, the way he held himself, he'd gained a sort of confidence that wasn't there before...before  Henkel happened.

All they'd been through since then, losing Gideon, Garcia being shot, the kid that been killed in front of Reid, the case linked to the Genius' father, learning about Diana Reid's illness, them being so broken and yet still a duo at work... Everything had been a very important piece into the building of Spencer's self confidence.

The young man was tougher now, not just in build but also in mind. Far away was the fidgeting twenty-three year old that'd joined their team so many years ago. Sometimes, it's true, Derek missed that Spencer. He missed how back then the Genius was accessible, he missed what they had back then. More than what was left of them today. He often wondered if he hadn't fell a bit in love with Spencer when they'd first met. It might have explained a lot.

*

 

He'd parked in front of Reid's building and had gotten out of the car to fetch the young  man’s go back in the trunk.

Coming to the passenger's door he opened it slowly and bent slightly to be at Reid's height. Then gently he woke the Genius up.

"Reid? Hey, time to wake up, sleepyhead, we're home." He spoke softly.

"Hnn...what?" Reid mumbled tiredly.

"You're home, Pretty Boy. Come on let's get you to your inside, you'll be more comfortable in your bed to sleep."

"What? But what time is it? I didn't..." Spencer said, confused. He was so beat he didn't even register them driving. At all. He didn't even  remember falling asleep really.

He let Derek guide him into the building and open his apartment's door. He was awake by the time they got there.

 

"Okay, you're home. Is there anything I can do for you before I leave?" Derek said, putting Reid's go bag next to the couch.

"No-I... No, thanks. It'll be fine. You can go home now, you didn't have to do all this. And I'm sure Clooney's missing you." Spencer said, as he took off his shoes and cardigan.

"I'm sure he does." Derek simply replied. His eyes never leaving Reid's back. He couldn't leave yet, he couldn't leave and know that come Monday, Spencer would be back to ignoring him outside of work. It was something Derek couldn't take anymore. It hurt. It hurt too much.

That's why he said:

"I did what I did because I wanted to, you know."

Coming closer to the brunet, he touched his arm to make him turn around.

“Spencer, please, look at me.” He asked softly. He waited until the brunet finally turned to look at him. “I was honest, you know. When I said I stayed at the hospital because I wanted to be with you and not leave you alone there.”

“And I'm grateful for that. But I'm just your co-worker, Morgan. That's all. No need to feel obligated towards me. I'm a big boy, I can look after myself.”

“Obligated? What...Spencer, this is not like that.”

"Sure it is, you've always treated me like a little brother, always tried to protect me."

"Because I don't want to see you get hurt.  Can you blame me for wanting to protect someone I care for?”

" No, I don't. But , I'm home safe and sound, so you can go now."

"Fine." Derek said and started to walk towards the door, before spinning back around. "You know what? No. I'm not gonna walk out that door when it feels like the moment I do you're gonna go back to pretending I don't exist in your life again.  Things have changed, Spencer, alright. And I can't  bear the thought of us being broken, without even trying to change things.” Derek said, raising his voice because of the emotion he felt.

" _DON'T YOU GET I'M JUST TRYING TO PROTECT MYSELF!_ I'm trying to protect myself from you..."  Spencer shouted back.

“But that's the point, you don't need to.” Derek tried to explain.

“How? How do I do then, when I know you'll hurt me like you've already did so much.”

At that moment, facing Spencer, and seeing how shaken the Genius was, just as shaken as he felt himself., Derek couldn't hold himself back anymore, and it's taking them both by surprise that he grabbed the brunet face between his hands and kissed him passionately. He felt Spencer answer his kiss for a moment, and it felt amazing, so good, so right, but it didn't lasted as the younger man suddenly pushed him away and stammered, unable to look at Derek.

“I'm sorry... I-I... I need to think...I...”

Derek watched him flee towards his bedroom, then heard the door slamming and the sound of Spencer sobbing violently right after that. Feeling upset and heartbroken, Derek decided to leave Spencer alone and get out of the young man's apartment. The front door slamming in his back was the last thing he registered before running down the stairs to go find his car.

 


	6. Tough decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **You've all been waiting for it and here it is. Enjoy this chapter guys and don't forget to comment or kudos when you're done, pleeease. xoxo.**

 

 

> ****_**“Decision is the spark that ignites action. Until a decision is made, nothing happens.... Decision is the courageous facing of issues, knowing that if they are not faced, problems will remain forever unanswered.” -** _ _**Wilfred A. Peterson** _
> 
> * * *
> 
>   

 

_Why? Why had he done this? Why did Derek kissed him?_

_Was it just on impulse? Or to make a point? Or was the older man playing some sort of sick game on him?_

 

**NO.** Spencer's brain shouted. Derek would never toy with him like that. Derek would be the last person to think of hurting people that way. If anything Derek was too honest to pretend in such way with anyone.

 

_So, then, why did Derek kissed him?_

 

Spencer was so lost. So confused. He didn't know what to think anymore, didn't know how to feel either. He had done such a great work on himself, worked so hard in order to forget the way his heart felt about Derek Morgan, and even though he knew you couldn't make such powerful feelings disappear, he'd still managed to lessen them just enough for them to not be a burden at work every day and be in the state of mind he'd almost asked Derek if they ever could try to be friends again, one day. Then he was infected and he really thought this time he wouldn't be as lucky as all the other times. This time would be the last and that was how he and Derek would part, with the other man thinking Spencer resented him so much he couldn't even bare spending time with him outside of work.

 

But that wasn't the case, not at all. That's what his, “ _I'm Sorry_ ”, meant when he'd closed that glass door between them. He was sorry for lying to him about his sexuality, sorry about falling in love with him, sorry that he'd kept it hidden so long and it was what broke them apart, sorry for pushing him away and pretending Derek wasn't anything for him beside a co-worker anymore, and sorry for rushing into that house and risking his life yet once again.

* * *

 

Finding the cure had been a real question of chance.

 

All through the time he spent locked in Nichols office, every time Derek had called him, he'd wanted to tell him _"I love you"_ , just those three little words that meant a lot but that he couldn't pronounce, not in such a situation. Not like that, with that sounding more like a Farewell then an I love you. He didn't dare to, always remembering that it wouldn't burden his friend if he ever died of anthrax. It's something Spencer could have never done; no matter how much his heart screamed those three words.

 

That Derek would be there when he woke up at the hospital, he didn't think it could be a reality, not after...everything! But he should have known better, which was why he felt so lost now. Derek had acted so strangely, more gently than ever before, and he'd said so many things too, and then that kiss...

 

_What was Spencer supposed to get from that? What was he supposed to understand?_

He needed to talk to someone about all this. He needed a stranger's point of view on the last events and on Derek and him.

* * *

 

Thanks to Garcia, Spencer had found affordable plane tickets at the last minute for him to fly to Vegas first thing Saturday morning.

 

He'd called the center and his mom's doctor had allowed him to visit, apparently Diana was in a good week, thanks to a subtle change in her medication. She'd even asked about him when she'd noticed he hadn't written the past weeks. Of course, Spencer couldn't tell her about the case and how he'd been infected with Anthrax. Which was why he'd decided he'd go spent the weekend with her before going back in to work on Monday.

 

That's how he found himself waking up at 4.30am and leaving for the airport, one of his go back as he's only luggage. He arrived in Vegas before twelve.

* * *

 

Once at the center, Spencer greeted the members of the staff he knew, then went to meet his mom’s doctor before he could go see her.

 

Diana was in the common room, reading, when Spencer was finally free to go find her. She looked taken care of, her hair had been done and her face looked happy and relaxed. Spencer swallowed with difficulty, he felt like he hadn't seen her in years and he really had missed her a lot. Plus, these past few days had been so hard when he'd thought he wouldn't see her again.

 

Maybe feeling like she was observed or her instinct alerting her of his presence, Diana lifting her head from her book and her gaze fell on him. A surprised look quickly painted her face as she got up from the couch to come meet and take in all of her son.

 

"Spencer, what are you doing here?" She asked, smiling, clearly happy to see her son.

"Hey mom. I thought I would surprise you and spend the weekend with you. Is that okay?" Spencer told her, bending over to kiss her cheek, and give her a hug.

"Of course, it's okay, darling." Diana replied, hugging him back tightly. "Oh, I'm so happy to see you, baby. I missed you, you know, and I was very worried, I didn't get any letters from you. Are you okay, baby?"

"I-I..yeah. I missed you too, mom. I missed you a lot."

Seeing her son's emotion, Diana took him by the hand and led him to the couch where she's been reading. They sat down and she said, going straight to the point:

"Baby, what happened? You look like hell? I can see something's bothering you..."

"No, I-I'm fine, mom, really."

"Don't lie to me, Spencer, a mother knows these things. Now, talk. Is this about agent Morgan?"

"No...yes. Not entirely, I..." Spencer tried to say.

"You're obviously really confused, baby. What don't you tell me if you two could work out on your issues and get back to being friends again?"

Spencer remarked that if his mother recalled so many details then she must have been going very well for a moment now. That was such a relief. Sighing, he took a deep breath before starting to talk:

"You're right, I'm here because a lot happened and a lot with...De-Morgan, more precisely. Like I told you in my letters our relationship was in a very bad place lately, and it didn't seem like it would ever get better. Not really, anyway. But then our last case happened and I got really...hurt, while working on it,"

"Why do I know that you're lying when you say you got hurt? It's more than that, isn't it?" Diana said, cutting Spencer's explanation.

"Ye-yes, it was more important than that, but I'd prefer to tell you later when we're in private. Okay."

"Whatever you want, baby. What happened then?"

"Well, Derek happened, mom. He stayed with me constantly, acted so out of character, so protective and caring, more than what he's been used to be with me in the past. He didn't leave me while I was trapped at the crime scene, didn't leave my side while I was in the hospital. And I'm so sorry, mom, I wanted to call a hundred times but I couldn't and I didn't know what to do. I stayed in the hospital for over a week, and all along Derek...he... He stayed with me. Took care of me. And he said some things too. And then he brought me back home last night and we fought and then out of nowhere, he just..."

 

"He kissed me, mom. He kissed me and I rejected him. I don't know what to do or what to think or how to react. I'm so lost, so confused. I don't get him. What was that? He's not even attracted to men."

"Oh, Spencer." Diana said, "Didn’t you ever thought that maybe this man could be attracted to you. Just _you_!"

"I... Mom?"

"Exactly." Diana noted, taking his hand into hers; "Spencer, baby, sometimes you find yourself being attracted to people. Not to their gender. It happens like that and most people would be very troubled by such a situation. You and agent Morgan have always been tight, you telling him about your sexuality and feelings for him, I'm sure made him question himself and your bond a lot. And the boundaries you've set even more. I'm not really surprised that man kissed you. He must have come a long way to do so."

"What should I do, mom? I'm not sure I can go there. I-I won't be able to bear it if I let him in again and I'm the one that gets hurt in the end. What if he's just confused and mistaking what he feels for something else? What if he forgets all about me with the first sexy woman that crosses his path? I know him, I know how he can be. He's the definition of the alpha male, I merely a beta. I'm way too emotional to bear such a situation."

"Spencer, baby, if love makes you unhappy then it is not worth it. I do not know enough about agent Morgan, but I can only tell you this, sometimes you've got to give it a try, and you could be very surprised. But, if you really you can't then it means you are not ready." Diana said in a gentle voice, the one she always used with him when she knew how deep her son was troubled.

"Now, it's enough talk, don't you think. You look exhausted, Spencer. It's worrying, it's like you're about to faint, you're so pale. Let’s go to my room so that you can rest. Then you'll tell me what that last ease was about."

 

Not arguing, Spencer got up and followed his mother to her room, she was right, he was really exhausted, to the point he yearned to lie down next to her and listen to her reading him Proust out loud. He'd always loved that, it was there thing. 

* * *

 

Sunday at five in the afternoon, Spencer left the health center, sad that he didn't know when would be the next time he'd saw his mother.

Over the night he'd thought about his mother's words and took his decision. And that decision lead him directly to Derek's apartment. He couldn't wait to be into work the next day to talk to the older man, it was a conversation they needed to have tonight, it was the only way they could ever be the best at their work afterwards.

 

Shaking, he lifted his right hand, tightening his fist, he tried to breathe in and out a few times before finally gathering the courage to knock on the wood panel.

Derek opened the door a few minutes after, he looked utterly surprised to see Spencer there. The Genius, met the chocolate brown eyes and felt his resolve faltered a bit.

 

"Spencer?" He heard Derek asked, sounding unsure.

"I-Can we talk?" Spencer asked back.

"Uh...yeah, yeah. Come in." Derek answered.

 

Spencer waited for the door to be close to finally turn around and face the older man. He could do this, he told himself, he was strong enough. _Right?_

 

"If I came tonight it's because this couldn't wait tomorrow. Work isn't a place for these kinds of talks."

"Okay." Derek said, nodding a bit, knowing in his guts Spencer wasn't gonna say things he'd like but he'd have to bear with it.

"Derek, you... You know I love you, and I tried my best to not bother you with that. I tried my best to not let it become a problem for us, between us or at work. But the decisions I had to take because of my own heart... I know they hurt you as much as they hurt me. This... What's going on, it needs to stop."

"Spencer, wait, I..."

"No, please, let me finish or I'll just break down and cry." Taking a deep breath, Spencer continued: "We need to stop, Derek. I'm in way too deep and you're maybe way to confused that you mistake caring and crushing, but...it can't go on anymore. We're only hurting each other."

"I thought about it a lot, thought about so many different scenarios after you kissed me, but I can't... I just can't go there. It's too risky, for us, for our work, for the team. I don't want to belittle your feelings, I really don't, but... I prefer to protect myself the best I can, I'm just not ready for anything right now."

Derek stayed silent, evaluating what he'd just heard and the situation they seemed to be in. It wasn't what he'd thought would happened after he kissed Spencer, but he could respect the man not being ready for what Derek had to offer him. He knew that the Genius might be frighten because of their past and how Derek had rejected him the first time Spencer told him about his feeling. But he'd changed and he wished Spencer could see at least that.

"Does it mean you and I not being friend anymore stills hold? That I still have to pretend you don't exist in my life anymore outside of work?"

Spencer started fidgeting with the strap of his messenger bag. Shaking his head, he said:

"I-no... I would like for us to try to at least being able to go have a drink or see a movie like we could do once. I just... I'm scared of you, of what allowing myself to be so close to you could do. I don't want to be rude, Derek, but you and relationships and love, we know together what's the answer. I just am not there right now, and I think you are the only person that could destroy me completely. And..and, I..."

"It's okay." Derek cut the young man. Coming closer, he lifted his right hand to caress lightly Spencer's left cheek. The brunet closing his eyes to the touch. "I don't want to push you, I don't want to hurt you either, Spence. But I miss you. I miss you so damn much, I'll take whatever you can give me."

"Thank you..." Spencer whispered, meeting the chocolate brown eyes one last time.

 

Then went for the entrance door, he was about to open it when he felt Derek grabbing his arm and turning him around to push him against the door, the next instant he felt warm lips against his, and strong hands cupping his face.

The kiss lasted for what seemed to be years, Spencer allowed himself to enjoy it the more he could, knowing he wouldn't get to experience such bliss anymore.

Too quickly, the kiss was over and Derek was whispering:

 

"I'm sorry. But I needed at least this."

 

Right then, Spencer wanted to shout “ _I love you”_ to the man but he held back. Those words, he had no right saying them to Derek when he asked so much from him already. He couldn't be that insensible.

He lost himself into Derek's eyes one last time before opening the door and leaving.

* * *

 

Going back to work seemed easy, a normality in his life Spencer would always be glad to get back to. Rebounding, _(slightly)_ , with Derek, felt good too, and Spencer was surprised it actually appeased a bit of his pain. But a hole was still bleeding deep inside of him, a hole only the black man could fill, but that wouldn't stay as it was because what was at stake was just too precious to play with. This is how they went back to some kind of routine and kind of became something that resembled friends again, but that wasn't really it neither.

 

Cases came, went and came again, they flew around the country some more, even went to Canada, until Foyet and everything went downhill.

 

First, it was Derek that got attacked by the man and lost his badge in the process when Foyet stole it from him. That drove Derek nuts, and he redoubled in his efforts to finding the man.

 

Then Hotch was attacked by Foyet and left in the emergencies. From there their leader seemed to be only obsessed by tracking him down and putting an end to him. Losing his legendary cold and legendary restraint. Which of course surprised them as now Hotch seemed to be more drastic in his way of handling cases. That was until Foyet found Hailey and Jack Hotchner and killed the woman. Thankfully, Jack had been taught how to hide and that's what saved him. But the woman didn't get so lucky and it's a new grief that came upon the team.

 

After that, Strauss fell on their back and Hotch had to quit his position as their leader, it's Morgan that got promoted to replace the man, and at first it was both very troubling and confusing for their team dynamic. But they made it work and Morgan was very good at his job, so much it was almost natural after some time.

 

A bit after Morgan took in Hotch's position, he met Savannah Hayes, a young black woman, beautiful and smart. Doctor and living in the same building as the man. Spencer knew about her because Derek had told him. He never thought that what had starting as a friendship between neighbors would end up becoming way more after JJ and Prentiss teased Derek on his love life, one night that they were all out having a drink. 

* * *

 

“Hey, Morgan, how come we never hear talk you about your women anymore?” Prentiss asked, at some point of the evening.

At the question, Reid froze instantly, he saw Derek freeze for what seemed like a flicking moment, and then the man laughed it off, like it was nothing.

“Yeah, what's going on, Dom Juan, did you like...lost your touch?” JJ asked next, laughing with Prentiss to her small joke.

Reid tried to not listen too much at the conversation, his guts telling him he wouldn't like what was about to follow.

“That's very strange for you, Lover Boy. No woman in what, eight-ten weeks. Or it's maybe that you met someone....serious?” Prentiss added, an evil grin on her face.

“Actually, Prentiss... Yes, it's totally that.” Derek said, a bit annoyed and eager to change the subject.

“Ooooh, do tell. Who is she? What does she do? How did you two met?” JJ asked, excitedly.

Throwing a glance over at Reid, Derek prepared himself to answer the blond agent. He knew even before doing so, that he'd broke a new small part of the Genius' heart.

“Huh, her name is Savannah, she's twenty-seven, a doctor and we met at the diner not for from my place. She'd just moved in in the neighborhood. Turns out she lives in the apartment in front of mine. She's very nice.”

“And I'm sure, very hot too, knowing you and your taste in women.” Prentiss joked.

“Huh, yeah, she is. Anyway, we quickly sympathized.”

“Oh, you know what, you should invite her to come have a drink with us the next time we go out. That would be awesome, we could meet her and everything.” JJ then exclaimed, smiling.

From his corner of the table, Spencer felt like he was gonna suffocate. It hurt so much knowing about Savannah and discovering how, apparently, her and Derek had become close. And that JJ and Prentiss wanted to meet her the next time they'd go out. No, it really was too much for him. He got up and went to hide in the bathroom. He needed to calm down, he needed to keep a straight face and not give himself away. He also didn't wanted to show Derek how affected he was.

A few minutes after he found refuge in the bathroom, he saw the door open and Garcia came in.

“Ok, talk to me, Baby Genius. What is it with you and Morgan? I thought you both had decided to put everything behind you. Which I still think is pretty stupid, but that's just my opinion so... Talk.”

Turning around to lean on the sink, Spencer lifted his gaze towards Garcia and just told her everything.

“You two are so stupid.” Garcia concluded about fifteen minutes later. “I don't get how you can keep hurting each other like that. You must be masochists. And that Savannah girl is in Derek's life now, and I'm sure not from about to leave it.”

“Okay, first let's get out of here, I'm buying you a late night diner, you're way too skinny anyway and then please, please next time come and talk to me sooner.”

* * *

 

Spencer had gladly followed her out of the bar, ignoring JJ and Prentiss pouts that they were both leaving and Derek lingering look in his direction. That night he ate for like three days, pain apparently made him hungry. Pain or Garcia keeping ordering things he loved to eat.

 

Derek had tried talking to him after that, but Spencer had preferred avoiding the discussion. It was pointless, anyway. Next time the team went out, Savannah with them, Garcia and Reid had pretended having a Geek event to attend to. In reality, the tech analyst had came to sleep over, and they'd marathon Doctor Who, eating junk food and drinking sodas.

 

Time passed, and cases too, until they'd to go in Alaska for a particular case. There Garcia was face to face with the Unsub and Reid had been the one to give her comfort and a shoulder to lean on this time. If he'd been hurt by Derek's _“I am not sleeping with Reid!”_ , like Spencer had the plague, well, the Genius didn't show any of it. That was until Garcia explained, that maybe Derek had acted like a douche because he was afraid to be tempted if he and Spencer found themselves sharing the same bed. Spencer, decided to believe her and thought that maybe Derek was serious enough with Savannah that he was now starting to distance himself from the brunet. It hurt. Yes. But, Spencer went with it.

 

That was until Ian Doyle happened.


	7. Comfort In Your Arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I thought about posting next week, but I wanted to be kind to you my loves, and so here's chapter six in advance. Hope you'll enjoy; xoxo. WARNING: NSFW chap!**

 

> “ _ **I didn't know you would be here last night, but you were. We can't fight fate. Instead, we must accept that fate has given us a special opportunity.” - Lisa See, Peony in Love**_
> 
>  

* * *

 

Ian Doyle. None of them had imagined how long dealing with that terrorist would be and what it would cost them.

 

That's what Spencer told himself while they were all waiting in the ER waiting rooms, as Prentiss was battling to stay alive in the surgery block.

 

Ian Doyle had appeared in their life like a hurricane. A very gloomy hurricane that could only bring violence, despair and death in its wake.

With Doyle, they also discovered Prentiss' real face, sort of. How she'd been an ex CIA agent assigned to Doyle's case. And after her and her colleagues had succeeded in their mission, Prentiss was transferred to the BAU.

At first, they felt a bit betrayed by so many secrets and by the role Emily had played with them when she's arrived into their team. But that was before she became a very good friend, some kind of sister even for Spencer. So, when her past had been revealed to them, it'd been like a bomb going off in their faces.

The hunt for Doyle had continued with Morgan still leading them . They had nearly caught up to the man, until they crossed paths with Emily, who had been stabbed and left for dead by Doyle. Derek had then made it his personal mission to find Doyle and bring him down as he was trying to stop Emily from bleeding out.

 

They've been waiting for hours now, JJ and Hotch regularly going to see how the surgery was going. All along, as he was scared to death, Spencer had wanted to go sit next to Derek and hold onto his shaking hand. He never dared to, though.

* * *

 

Learning Emily hadn't made it, was devastating, for all of them.

 

Derek felt like he had failed the woman, he had tried to contain the bleeding, make it stop, but Emily still hadn't made it. It's like he'd knew instantly when he'd saw JJ coming to them, he knew it was bad news for Emily.

His pain was great, but what deepened that hurt was to see how broken Spencer was. He wished he could just have taken him in his arms, bring him comfort and reassure himself with the warmth of the young man. But he couldn't. He wasn't allowed to. So, he'd dealt with his pain alone. The burden of Emily's death weighed on his conscience. He knew it wasn't rational, that it was Doyle that had killed her but still, he felt like it was his fault she hadn't survived.

Maybe it's because those feelings were so great that Savannah started to get on his nerves so much. She'd started talking about commitment, engagement, meeting parents, all sorts of things Derek wasn't ready for. Stuff he wasn't in the state of mind to care for. And to be honest he didn't see them marrying or anything like that. It's true that he had been really lucky to have someone with a job as consuming as his, that had the same kind of days and schedule, but Savannah just had been a rebound after Reid, after them not being able to get together, he'd given into the thought of him and Savannah because Prentiss and JJ had pushed him there. Not consciously per say but they still did. He just never thought it would last so long, nor that the woman would quickly become clingy. Now, every time he was with her, Derek felt trapped. He felt misunderstood when it hurt so much inside and the woman couldn't seem to begin to understand that he really just wasn't there in all her plans of future.

That's why he'd finally decided that they should take a break. He needed it more than anything and truly it would be better than staying together and making the woman suffer.

 

They'd been on a break for almost two weeks now, when one night he heard a few light knocks on his door. It was late and he couldn't sleep, too many images of Emily, Doyle, and bloody hands clouding his vision as soon as he tried to close them.

* * *

 

The pain was too great to handle, no matter how much he tried finding something to ease it, Spencer still felt like the pain of losing Emily suffocated him. It suffocated him to the point he started thinking about using again. Just something so that he could have a brief moment of peace. Fighting the want, in the state of mind he was in, it was too hard and too risky to be alone, and there was no meeting tonight.

 

Spencer needed help, needed to feel safe again and most importantly needed someone that would understand. That knew exactly what he was going through.

The answer was so simple, that he found himself in his car a few minutes after he decided he needed to get out of his apartment.

It was late and dark and few people were still outside at this hour, but he didn't care, all he wanted was too arrive there and then...

 

His train of thought was stopped when he saw what street he was turning onto. He parked in front of the building, next thing he knew he was knocking lightly on the wooden door.

The seconds he had to wait before he heard the chain lock being moved, felt like hours. His heart was racing, his palms started to sweat and he suddenly wanted to fidget. That's when he noticed he didn't even bring his messenger bag with him, he'd left his apartment like he was, wearing his pajama bottoms, a purple t-shirt and his thickest long cardigan.

 

He felt his breath hitch, his heart miss a beat and his brain go blank when the door opened.

* * *

 

"Spencer?" Derek whispered, surprised to see the brunet standing behind his door. Spencer looked tired and wrecked, and...wait... _Was he actually wearing PJs?_

"I-I didn't know where to go or if… I… Derek?" The Genius said with difficulty, too confused to be his always coherent self right now. All he knew was he hurt and he wanted, he needed Derek. Not JJ, not Garcia... Derek!

"Hey, it's okay, come here, it's okay, Baby Boy." Derek said softly, taking Spencer in his arms and closing the door behind them. Not forgetting to lock it and put the chain lock back on. "It's okay, I'm here. I got you."

"It hurts. It hurts and I'm scared. I felt that if...if I stayed alone then I would..." Spencer agitatedly said in a strangled voice. He could feel tears coming up, but he'd cried so much already. He was so tired of crying when it never eased the pain it was supposed to ease.

He felt Derek's hand bury itself in his long hair, and that gesture made him shiver, it also gave him that feeling of relief and security he'd been seeking for weeks now.

It's either that, or Derek's warm skin or his comforting smell. Spencer had no clue, and he truly didn't care anymore, all he wanted to do was feel good and peaceful, not spend hours thinking. Circling his arms around the older man's waist, he let out a long breath. Burying his nose in the crook of Derek's shoulder and neck, he pressed himself against the other man's body, the muscle tee and the sweatpants hiding nothing of Derek's body shape.

 

"Derek?"

"Yeah, Baby Boy?"

"Can I stay with you tonight, please? I-I don't think I can...I..."

"Shhh... Calm down, let's go to bed." Derek whispered, taking Spencer's hand and leading to the bedroom.

 

It felt both strange and so perfectly right, when he turned around and saw the Genius in his bedroom. God, how he’d dreamt about this for so long, wishing for it to become a reality. And now... It was!

Gently, he took the cardigan off of the brunet shoulders, put it on a chair nearby, and then lead him to the bed where the comforter was still rumpled on his side of the bed.

 

"Come. Lie down with me." He told the young man, bringing him with him into the bed.

* * *

 

Spencer let Derek guide and handle him until they were both under the covers of the older man's bed.

As soon as the comforter wrapped around them, he was surrounded by the other man's smell. Instantly, he felt the storm raging inside him fade and leave a peaceful feeling of security. He felt his craving completely disappear when Derek came closer, put his arm around his waist and pulled Spencer closer to him.

They were so close. It was so intimate like that. Spencer felt himself react almost instantly to Derek's warmth, his smell, his body against his and his heartbeat he could feel through the thin fabric of the muscle tee. Shaking slightly, he lifted his gaze to meet Derek's and felt his heart bolt up in his chest.

 

"Der..." He whispered, he felt so alive, so conscious suddenly. Hypersensitive held so tightly by the man he loved. So much he couldn't hide his beginning hard-on, nor did he felt ashamed to feel his body react that way.

"Spence, you..."

"I want you." Spencer whispered, cutting Derek. "I want you. I want to be with you. Please, please. I need you, Derek, only you."

"Baby..." Derek murmured before bending his head a little to take Spencer's mouth in a breathtaking kiss.

Spencer felt himself turn to mush in Derek's arms, letting him take off the rest of his clothes before watching him take off his own. He let Derek move them closer to the center of the bed, opening his legs to let his lover slide between them. His breath hitched in his throat when he felt Derek's length come into contact with his own, a delicious chill ran over his skin and he felt like his heart was about to explode. He gave back each kiss that Derek stole from him, each stroke too, but when he felt the older man’s first finger enter him... It's like his body and mind disconnected and his mind went flying into the room to witness them, to witness what they were doing. When a second finger found its way in, Spencer couldn't keep his moans quiet anymore. He felt so good and Derek knew exactly how to handle him, how to take him. How to make him feel good and comfortable too. So much he felt like he wouldn't last long if the man added more fingers inside his tight hole.

"Do you want more, baby? Tell me." Derek whispered against his skin, leaving alone the nipple he'd been sucking onto for a second or two. "Tell me how you want it?"

"More!" Spencer heard himself begged. "Please more... Deeper, Derek, de-deeper." He panted, clinging to the man's shoulders.

Derek added in a third finger, and Spencer nearly whined, he felt so full already, so full with just his lover's fingers that fucked into him deep enough to hit his prostate every time.

"Mmm... Derek, please, I-I can't...I'm gonna...please, need you..." He heard himself try to say in between pants.

"God, I want you so bad, Baby." Derek groaned. Withdrawing his fingers from Spencer's hole, He quickly coated his cock with a good amount of lube and then placed himself against Spencer's stretched entrance, he waited for the brunette to look into his eyes before pushing the head of his cock in slowly, making sure he wasn't hurting him.

He watched as Spencer's mouth opened on a dirty moan. His lips swollen by their kisses, his cheeks flushed, his forehead glistening with a bit of sweat that made the root of his hair humid too. He was so beautiful lying like that under him, his long hair spread on the pillow case like a dark sun creating a halo around his head. And his body seemed to just have been made for him. It was like Spencer had been made to fit perfectly against him, and the thought of the Genius being his like this, offering himself without holding back nearly drove him crazy. He kept pushing slowly into Spencer's ass, until he was fully inside of him.

"Oh god, you're in so deep..." Spencer said, looking almost desperate, like overwhelmed with this overload of sensations. "Hn, Derek... Yo-you're so...big!" He said with difficulty, shaking more and more into the man's arms.

Derek felt Spencer's walls quickly tightened around him and without really believing his eyes, watched as the younger man came between them, without Derek moving or touching him.

"Oh god..." Derek groaned. This was maybe the most sexual and obscene thing he'd ever seen but at the same time, he couldn't begin to explain how satisfied he felt or how beautiful Spencer was during orgasm.

"Please...please, move. Take me. I need you to make love to me, Derek." Spencer said, shaking violently between his lover's arms. Spreading his legs, lifting them around Derek's waist and spreading them wider, he let his long fingers slide along the older man's back to his firm ass where he held on tight as he started to move his hips under Derek. Feeling the black man's cock moving slightly deeper each time he rolled his hips.

"Fuck, Spencer..." He heard Derek groan in his ear, pulling out slowly then thrusting in a bit harder into Spencer's tight hole. It tore a moan out of his lovers mouth, so he did it again, and again. "Fuuuuck...baby, you're so tight...oh god, Spence."

A few thrusts and the feeling of Derek sweaty body under his palms is what made him hard again.

"Shit..." He heard his lover swear, when he felt Spencer's hard cock between their abdomens. "Shit...fuck...Spence"

"I...I want you so hard, Der...I-I..." Spencer hardly tried to explain, but he felt too much and it was way too good, and it'd been so long since he had been with anyone that his brain couldn't work normally anymore. Not when Derek Morgan was fucking into him so deliciously.

* * *

 

 

They'd just both came hard from their orgasm and were now, laying down, panting, Spencer resting on Derek's chest while the other man played with his long locks. When he heard him ask:

 

"Why tonight?"

 

Spencer stayed silent a moment, then answered:

 

"I was scared I would start using again. Since...Emily, I..." He felt a knot form in his throat again like every time he tried talking about the woman. "I've wanted to come for a long time now. I've wanted to be there for you but... I just couldn't, not when you're with someone else. I had no right."

"I will always be here for you." Derek exclaimed. "I will always be."

Silence fell on the room, the older man tightened his hold around his body, and Spencer lost himself for a moment into the soothing sound of his heartbeat.

"I know we still can't be together the way we'd want, I know now is not a good time. But just this night... I just want this night to be you and I and pretend it will never end. Can we do that?" Spencer asked, his voice low and burdened with tears.

Derek answered him by kissing him deeply and just like that, Spencer melted in his arms again.

They made love all night, until the first shy rays of light came piercing the night's dark sky. Their last time was more desperate, more feverish as they knew they were running against time.

* * *

 

 

Spencer decided to leave late in the morning; he couldn't make himself leave any earlier, not when being with Derek felt so good. But at some point he knew he would have to. That's why he'd wait for Derek to be deeply asleep, after a very long hour of cuddling, snuggling and stealing kisses here and there. He didn't leave a message about him or themselves, he just wrote on a piece of paper that if Derek had been a bit happy with _her_ , then he should try again if that could help him get through the ordeal they'd been facing and were still facing since Emily and Doyle.

 

Silently, he looked Derek sleep a bit more standing at the foot of the bed, the muscle tee the man had been wearing last night clenched into his shaking hands, he knew the other man would notice it being missing but Spencer would have at least that to hold on to, to help him get back on his feet.

He went for the front door and whispered those words he'd wanted to scream, shout during their love making all night and a part of the morning, those three words that meant so much and hurt so much too. He opened the door and left, going back for his car. This night would always stay in his mind, what they'd shared he could never forget it.

* * *

 

 

Days, weeks, months passed with Spencer looking at Derek from afar, every night reliving the night they'd spent together. Thank God, though, Garcia was always there to help or distract him, when he tended to look a bit too long at the black agent.

He still grieved Emily painfully, still cried for her, most of the time going over to JJ's to not be alone and be with people he loved and where still alive. Plus, JJ still got him so much, like a big sister she had that instinct, that special ability that let her know all the time how to calm him down.

 

Derek and Savannah had gotten back together, and the woman seemed more than serious to keep the man this time. Spencer feared their relationship, feared losing Derek forever, especially when he knew the woman had figured something out about him and the older man. Even Garcia had noticed and told him about it. He didn't say anything to Derek, though; he just had no right minding into the older man's relationship. And it didn't matter if that hurt.

 

That's the kind of routine that had installed itself at the BAU, until one day, they fell on Doyle's track again.

 

Turns out, Derek and Garcia had lead a secret investigation on the terrorist, not telling anyone to keep it quiet as long as possible. Derek finally decided to tell them when he and Garcia were sure they were on a solid lead. They started planning a big arrest plan. Derek wasn't going to stop until they got Doyle. And that's just what they did.

None of them thought that with that arrest a big truth would reveal itself.

Spencer never thought he'd ever felt so betrayed by the one people he'd thought would never betrayed him.

 

With Doyle's arrest came back Emily. The shock of her being alive was too strong at first for Spencer to feel anything else than shock. They worked at saving Doyle's son, which they did but lost the terrorist in the process. After that came the trial of their team and how that case was handled. In the end, Emily was reintegrated into their team, and Hotch took back his leader position, lifting that burden from Derek's shoulder.

Spencer knew how betrayed and fooled Derek had felt by Hotch, JJ and Emily's lie. He could see it on his face sometimes. Slowly, though, that look started to disappear, and the Genius couldn't help wondering if Savannah was responsible for that.

He couldn't say as much for him, though, because after getting Emily back, working on saving Declan Doyle and then the trial, he really hadn't had the time to think about how betrayed he felt. It was only later, when they started working on more common cases that it all exploded in him.

Avoiding Prentiss wasn't easy to do, but he still couldn't find it in him to going back to being chatty and act like nothing had happened with her. JJ on the other hand, was the worst. Not because the woman had done everything to secured Emily in Paris, but because of how she had lied to his face for weeks when he'd came to her devastated and in the darkest state of mind, she still had let him going on with his pain and his craving for Dilaudid.

He couldn't believe his ears when she'd told him he was like a child throwing a tantrum, couldn't believe her when she'd confronted him in the police station, telling him he didn't used Dilaudid, in a voice that almost sounded like it was actually okay.

 

Betrayal was something very bitter and deep, and even after Hotch had talk to him, Spencer knew he'd need a long time before being able to trust JJ fully again. If he ever could. Emily, it was sad, but he couldn't trust like he'd once did anymore, he just felt deep in his guts that she wouldn't stay long with them, that she was just there on borrowed time, and when she'd accepted that offer to go work for Interpol, well, Spencer hadn't been really surprised. He'd been sad they were losing her again, when she'd just got back, but deep down inside he'd just knew.

 

Later, JJ being sent to another team was like the world had suddenly crumbled beneath his feet. And Spencer hadn't been able to help feeling so lost. He felt like all of a sudden, every solid foundation of his life were tore from it and he just didn't really knew where he was anymore. Who he was anymore?

 

First, Derek, then Emily and now JJ. It was too much, too much in such a short range of time.

It's most likely because of that feeling of abandon and loss that he and Maeve bonded so quickly after Dr. Alex Blake's lecture on the use of linguistic in profiling investigations.

Maeve was everything Spencer needed at a very bad and sensible time of his life. If only their friendship hadn't ended so tragically.


	8. Jealousy and Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Oh my god, I can't believe I'm so shitty at updating this story. I hope you'll still be happy to read the upcoming chapters guys, and again I'm so sorry at being so horrible doing my job. I hope you'll understand that in life you can't always do what you want when you wanna do it.**

 

> _**"Jealousy is sometimes the reason why a relationship gets complicated. But don't you know that being jealous is very important? Because being jealous is a short way of saying I love you and I don't want anybody steal you away from me." - Unknown** _

* * *

 

Emily had left the team for good, and they were still waiting to know who would be her replacement. It had took a long time for him to calm down and not feel as betrayed as he'd felt when the raven haired woman had suddenly rose from the dead. But in time, Spencer had finally managed to put things in perspective and let some of them behind him.

It's true he'd calmed down and let go, but his trust for JJ was still scarred, and those wouldn't ever be able to heal. Somehow, their relationship suffered from it.

The blonde agent had then been transferred into another unit, and for months Spencer had barely gotten news about her. Rare were the occasions where they saw each other or he could spend time with Henry, and to top the loss of his old trust bond with the woman, he had now to mourn the loss of her going away to another team.

Often he'd ask himself if staying with the BAU was still worth it? Especially when the job took and kept taking so much away from him. Maybe he should follow Gideon's example and leave when it was still time to, after all it wasn't like people didn't want him, he had received enough proposition from about everywhere to be left with way too many options to think about and chose from.

So, yes, maybe he should have left a long time ago. Maybe.

But he hadn't, and that made all the difference.

* * *

 

 

Garcia quickly found herself filling in JJ's shoes when it came to going over cases and transferring them to the team for them to go work on them somewhere in the country.

As it turned out, the Tech Analyst was great at the job and the team often flew away to go help local PDs or county polices over delicate cases.

They felt their number being lessen, it's true, but the team still was effective and the best even with two agents down.

 

Surprisingly, Spencer found he had more time now that his off days weren't filled by JJ or Henry anymore, to attend lectures at Georgetown again. It's to one of those lectures, giving by Professor Alex Blake speaking about the uses of Linguistics analyses in profiling investigations, that Spencer met her.

Maeve Donovan.

* * *

 

 

Spencer was running a bit late when he entered the auditorium in which the lecture was going to take place. It was by sheer luck that he'd managed to arrive before Professor Blake started her lecture.

He'd found an empty chair next to a pretty brunette, who'd smiled at him and had lifted her messenger bag from the seat to allow him to sit next to her.

The lecture was very interesting, but Spencer couldn't help notice, how the girl, well more a woman really, had the same habit as he of bending the rod part of her pen cap and making it twist absently holding the rod to do so. That detail made him analyze her discreetly.

Of normal size, slender, brunette with long hair, pale skin and dark eyes, she was very common it seemed, but the more he looked at her the more he found she was actually pretty. She wore khaki pants in a soft beige color, a button down pink shirt and a long cardigan, and had a leather messenger bag with her.

Spencer had to suppress an exclamation when he noticed how similar they looked together. She could have easily passed for his sister.

* * *

 

At the end of the lecture, Spencer was putting his vest on when he heard the woman next to him, say:

 

"That lecture was so interesting. I wish I could talk about it with Professor Blake more privately. I feel like she's not going to able to talk with every one once the lions are up..." She showed the line of people already forming by the stage to wait for Professor Blake to come down and talk with them.

"That's more likely, Professor Blake is very popular within the faculty." He told her.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, surprised, like she's just realized something. "Do you actually know her?" She asked quietly, to not be over heard maybe.

"Yeah. I do. She and I often work together."

"You two work together? It must be so interesting." The brunette said, smiling. She then shook her head before saying:

"I'm sorry, I didn't even introduce myself and just started talking to you like you know me. My name is Maeve. Maeve Donovan."

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Dr. Spencer Reid." Spencer told her, smiling back.

"Wait a minute? You're THE Dr. Reid?" Maeve exclaimed, amazed.

"Yes, I am."

"Oh my... Okay....humm. I don't know want to be rude or seemed like a crazy woman, but would you like to go grab a coffee or something there's so much I would love to ask you. I read most of your thesis and followed your work with FBI. I just can't let this opportunity pass. What are the statistics of us meeting again?"

"I'd love coffee." Spencer said, and just like that their friendship had started.

 

* * *

 

Over the weeks that followed, Maeve and Spencer saw each other often. They met at the coffee shop, had supper together, went to the cinema or had movie night at the profiler's place, they even attended lectures or events together at the faculty. Their time together was great, and Spencer had never felt happier. He even arranged for Maeve and Professor Blake to meet.

About a week after the lecture in Georgetown, Spencer and the team were surprised deep in conference when JJ appeared in the meeting room.

The woman had barely changed, the only difference being how she held herself higher and seemed to have gain in confidence over the months she worked with another unit.

As it turned out, Rossi had been in contact with her and had proposed her to come back to the team, they worked fine, it's true, but they missed JJ daily in their team work and personally.

That morning, Reid was doubly surprised when he saw that JJ wasn't alone and that a new agent had been found to be Prentiss' replacement.

 

Getting up, Spencer came to meet the woman and exclaimed:

 

"Professor Blake?"

"Hello, Dr. Reid. How have you been since my last lecture?"

"Great, actually. What about you? What are you doing here?" Spencer asked, very surprised to see the woman here at the BAU.

"Well, as you can see I'm fine and I was requested into this team by agent Hotchner. Agent Rossi had told me about the team a few times at Georgetown, it helped accepting the job."

"Well, this is great. Welcome to the team." Reid said, smiling to the woman. He then turned around JJ and said: "Welcome back. We missed you."

"And I missed you, guys, even more."

Out of the blue, JJ got nearer and grabbed Spencer in a very tight hug, it took the young man a few minutes to get what was happening and hug her back. That's when he noticed just how much he'd missed her and just how being separated for so long had helped calming his anger and make it disappear.

"I don't want to be the annoying man here, but, children, we have a case to go over." Rossi said comically, cutting there all PDAs.

 

* * *

 

Surprisingly, working with agent Blake and having JJ back worked out very well in record time. The team quickly got used to both woman and a good dynamic installed itself. It was to no one's surprise that Spencer and agent Blake really work well as a duo and they both find themselves teamed up a lot, that causing Spencer to be less teamed with Derek and somehow it felt very weird. He was so used to the man, to them being an item that when the changes appeared and he was set with Blake and Derek with JJ, Spencer had to admit he felt a bit lost at first.

 

Outside of work, his relationship with Maeve was growing and she really brought him the happiness he'd been lacking for a very long time now. They got together so well and were either on the phone or went out together so often that the team started suspecting more was happening between him and Maeve. JJ and Rossi even joked with him a few time asking about his girl. Spencer preferred not to enter their game, brushing it off like he would another joke, and accepting when one day they'd decided to go out have a drink after work and that Spencer should ask Maeve to come with them. Spencer texted Maeve and a few hours later they all found themselves at their usual bar.

* * *

 

 

Conversations were going, laughter bursting out and beer was flowing, when after a very nerdy reply from Maeve on something Garcia had asked her, the Tech Analyst suddenly exclaimed:

 

"Oh my god! You're so Reid with boobs. No wonder you two hit it off so well. You were practically made for each other."

Maeve blushed furiously, and Reid starting coughing violently after some of his drink got in the wrong pipe.

"I don't know... Should I take this as a compliment or...?" Maeve hesitantly asked, only to be cut by Garcia,

"Oh, of course, of course you have to take this as a compliment. In case you're wondering, these guys already adopted you." Garcia explained pointing at JJ, Hotch and Rossi playing Darts not far away, Derek coming back from the dance floor, apparently happy of his moves, and her and agent Blake sipping on their cocktails. "Oh, and here's my Chocolate God." Garcia said, patting the seat next to her for Derek to sit on.

"Hey, what you guys been talking about?" Derek asked them, taking a sip from Spencer's drink naturally.

"I was noticing how Maeve is Reid with boobs. By the way, no Savannah tonight?" Garcia answered.

* * *

 

 

 

Lately, Derek had been pissed off at a lot of things, first at that girl filling Reid's life and seeming to be the only thing the younger man could talk about or text about. To the point, everyone in their team had started wondering if Spencer and Maeve weren't together. It wouldn't surprise him with the way Spencer acted when it came to the woman.

Next, he was pissed that he and Spencer weren't teamed up on cases anymore. Don't get him wrong, he loved working with JJ, and Blake and Reid were a killer team, what with both their big brains, but Derek actually missed having those moments with Spencer. Yes, it's true they saw each other outside of work, but it happened only a few times that Derek couldn't wait to get into work come morning and spend the day with the brunette. That's what he desired, but reality was something else.

Finally, the biggest bump in his life right now was Savannah.

Lately she had started talking about him meeting her parents, asking about marriage and children and about meeting his own family, and Derek felt like he was gonna explode some day if she just didn't stopped. He didn't want that. Any of it. He wanted something else. Someone else, but he just couldn't have it.

After talks of future and their relationship, Savannah had gotten pissed at his lack of enthusiasm in what, she quoted, was the normal path of their beautiful relationship. She was sure at almost a hundred percent that they were made for each other. Derek didn't think so...at all!

 

Feeling like he was barely holding it together anymore, Derek had decided to start by the most obvious a few days ago. And Garcia's question couldn't have come at a better time.

 

"No. No Savannah tonight." Derek said bluntly.

"Ouch, I feel like something's wrong. What happened?"

"Nothing. She and I we just weren't on the same page at all. And I started to feel trapped in our relationship so I broke it off."

"Oh, baby. I'm sorry."

"I'm not. We weren't meant to be together. It's better like this, now I feel free again." Derek finished saying, looking indeed relieved of the burden that'd became his relationship with the black woman.

 

He was thinking about his last word when he felt it. A light brush at first, then a hand that slide over his thigh to encircle it gently. Unable to resist and not believing his luck, he discreetly put his hand under the table to link his fingers with Reid's. God, he thought, god it felt so good. So deliciously good.

He was so lost in appreciating the gesture that he didn't noticed Garcia's eyes falling on his legs under the table and witnessing what was going on down there. Being touch by Spencer was rare, being able to feel him that intimately was something so immeasurable; Derek could never begin to explain how it made him feel on the inside.

 

Garcia's voice suddenly tore him from the moment he was having:

 

"So, Maeve, Honey, is there someone in your life or that you have your eyes on? Spence maybe? He's a real catch so I wouldn't be surprise."

Taken by surprise, Maeve started coughing loudly, she'd just took a sip of her drink and it went in the wrong pipe when she heard Garcia's question making her cough quite violently. Blushing she then a look over at Spencer and shook her head.

"Huh, no, not Spence. But I do have a boyfriend. Well, sort of." She said, blushing a bit.

"Oh, what do you mean 'sort of'". Garcia asked, curiously concerned.

"Well, we're on a break he and I. I-there's thing that happened and I preferred we take a break, I didn't want him to get in the middle of my problems."

"Oh, if there's anything we can help you with, Honey." Garcia gently informed Maeve.

"Thanks, but it's over now. I just... To be honest I don't even know if Matt would consider that we get back together so... I'm not really good at these kinds of things. Mathematics, sciences, literature those things I get, but matters of the heart are so much more complicated."

"Oh sweetie, you know men aren't that complicated. Were you serious when you two were still together-together?" Garcia asked, her Cupid's personality fully in charge now. Something that clearly amused Alex.

From his seat, Derek listened absently to the conversation, he was too busy running his thumbs over Spencer's wrist and watching the brunette try to act like nothing and hide how he actually was affected by the small gesture.

"Yeah. Matt and I, we've been dating for five years."

"Five years! Then, honey, you do gotta get him back. A guy that's not serious doesn’t stay with you for five years. Trust me, I know my way around men." Garcia exclaimed. "Okay, you know what, if Reid is okay giving me some of his time with you, let’s say...tomorrow. I can assure you we'll get your man back before the day is over. What do you think?"

"Huh, I-I don't know, I..."

"Perfect. I'll meet you over at Reid's by eleven tomorrow. Now, who's up for another drink, on me?"

"I'd love another one of these cocktails, yeah..." Alex said, showing her glass.

Garcia smiled and went to the bar, bringing Derek with her to bring back the tray.

"Baby, come with me, I need your muscles."

* * *

 

 

They were waiting for the barman to prepare their order when Garcia suddenly exclaimed, looking smug.

 

"I saw you and Pretty Boy over there."

"What do you mean?" Derek said, playing it cool.

"Don't play dumb with me, Baby. Since when?" Garcia asked.

"Since when what?"

"Since when are you two sleeping together? And I can't believe none of you told me. I feel wounded, Derek."

"I'm sorry, Baby Girl. It only happened once. A bit after Emily and Sav and I were on pause. Spence came to my place because he was craving and hurting and I just... I don't know, he was there, so close, so open and fragile and I was hurting too and my feelings for him went all over the place when I opened my door and he was standing there. It was the best night of my life. We knew it would be the only one, though. When I woke up he was gone and had just left a note telling me I should try again with Savannah if that could appease the pain of losing Em. I gave it some thought and tried again with Sav, but..."

"But you're madly in love with someone else and after one night with them you know no one will be able to make you happy the way he does."

"Yeah." Derek replied. "Baby Girl, I know he held my hand to comfort me but god, it's hard, I want to be with him so bad and I'm actually a bit afraid, I think he's starting to fall for Maeve. I fear I'm gonna lose him again."

"Oh Baby, I don't know what to tell you. Spence is very hard to read when it comes to her. But I do know this, if you feel you're ready...finally... What? I'm just saying, don't give me that look." Garcia said, not letting Derek's dark gaze stop her speech. "So, if you think you're finally ready and you want to be with him, then tell him. Don't wait any longer. Make your own chance. Tell him and claim him as yours. But know this..."

"What?"

"I want to be the one to plan your wedding and I'm your first born godmother."

Derek rolled his eyes amused. Garcia had so much faith in them working finally out.

* * *

 

 

 

Derek wasn’t able to speak with Spencer about them, and how he wanted them to give it a try. He couldn't talk with the man because a bit after Garcia succeeded in getting Maeve and Matt back together, the stalker that'd targeted Maeve before she pushed Matt away made himself known again. This time more violently than the first time.

It took a death note left at Matt's office for Maeve to finally come see Spencer and ask for their help.

The case revealed to be pretty serious, so Hotch decided they take it and soon enough they were working hardly on it. They just didn't expect that their Unsub would turn on Spencer instead of Maeve, and caught both him and the woman into his trap.

They worked as fast as they could to get to them, Garcia being even more effective than usual, and the team doing everything they could to get there on time.

They couldn't, and it cost them Maeve's life. It also cost them Reid.

 

Two weeks after Maeve was killed, Reid still hadn't step out of his apartment and was taking no one's phone calls, didn't answered any of their texts and didn't even opened his door to take in the goodie baskets Garcia brought him daily. He didn't even open his door the few times Derek came by to see how he was doing, and that was the most terrifying.

* * *

 

 

 

Every day since she died was harder to get by. He felt devastated. Even more than after Emily's fake death or Gideon abandoning them. Losing Maeve...

How could have this happened? How? He'd loved her unconditionally, had open almost instantly when they'd met, they'd shared so much and were so close. She was the part of him that he'd felt had been missing all his life. She completed him in a way only soul mates or twins could. And even though he'd tried everything to save her, he'd failed miserably.

He could never forgive himself.

Maeve didn't deserve to die. She had her whole life in front of her. Opportunities and happiness to grasp. A wedding to start planning now that she'd accepted Matt's proposal. Maeve was made for living. Not be killed by a suicidal Unsub that had decided to take her with him into death.

Spencer was wounded, guilty and unable to get back up. He was too devastated to even think of living again.

Every day, every night he read The Narrative of John Smith. It was their book. Their thing. It was them and Spencer couldn't make himself stop reading it.

Reading was the only thing that helped slightly. His apartment was a mess as there were books everywhere, on furniture, on the floor, even on the couch. It was the only thing that kept him sane. That and hearing the familiar sound of Garcia's heels on the staircase and then her kind voice through his door asking him how he was doing. He never answered, never opened the door, not because he didn't want to see anyone but more because he was too ashamed, felt too guilty to face anyone. Even Derek he couldn't open his door to, especially Derek.

If he hadn't been so in love with the man then maybe he could have pretended a bit better and saved Maeve.

It was his fault. She'd died because of him and for that he could never pardon himself.

* * *

 

 

 

A few days had passed, when he heard the familiar knock of Derek's hand hitting the wood panel of his door. Coming closer, he sat on the floor next to the door and listened to the man’s deep voice. How he would have wanted to open the door and seek comfort in his arms. But he couldn't. He felt way too ashamed.

It's the word help that got his full attention. He listened as Derek told him about the dilemma they were in with their current case and how they needed Reid's help. Then he saw the Manila folder being slipped under his door and soon after Derek's steps climbing down the staircase.

Curious, he took the folder and opened it. He could take a quick look, it didn't mean he was obliged to get back to Derek or Hotch.

* * *

 

 

Derek had succeeded, he thought the next day has he was getting dressed to go in Quantico help the team solve the case.

When he arrived there, he got very surprised expressions as a greeting. He didn't felt offended though, he totally understood his friends were very surprised to see him so long after he'd secluded himself and not let anyone in any way.

 

"Reid?" He heard JJ say.

"Derek gave me the file. I thought maybe, I can help?!"

"It'd be very welcome, yes," Hotch said, throwing a knowing look over at Derek. "We're struggling with it."

 

The case was in San Francisco, their killer drained his victims of their blood, and Reid had guessed that he must use it as paint for his art. The art being so clear in his profile.

Working all together they finally managed to find the Unsub's address and get there in time to save another victim. The Unsub, though, they couldn't save.

It's getting back to that violence that took Spencer out of his misery, sort of, just enough to let his friend back in his life, stop feeling so ashamed and most importantly ask for their help.

The next day, JJ, Garcia and Derek were at his place to help him with the mess that was his books and store everything that Garcia had put in her baskets. Reid felt like he would have chocolate for almost a year, thanks to the woman.

They all worked in almost silence, Garcia or JJ often speaking to break it off. The tech analyst asking Reid questions like how come some of her baskets were missing, to what the Genius answered his neighbor that'd stole them. Garcia had been so outraged she'd went to knock on his neighbor's door and asked for the baskets to be given back as they'd never been for that old hag in the first place and how stealing was punishable by the law, she knew because she was FBI, laws were her job.

JJ told him about Henry mostly, ending by how the little boy missed him. Spencer had felt so shaken by that information he'd made a promise to himself to go see his godson in the next days.

Finally, late in the afternoon, the sun was quickly going down outside, they ordered Indian food to eat together and after that the girls left, Derek not wanting to leave quite yet.

* * *

 

 

 

They'd settled down on the couch in front of the tv, when Derek suddenly broke the silence and said softly:

 

"I'm really sorry for Maeve. I know how much she meant for you."

Spencer stayed quiet a moment then looked down at his mug of hot chocolate and s'mores.

"It's not like I was in love with her or anything, you know. But she just completed me in a way no one could ever be able to. She was like a twin or a soul mate, someone that just got me, someone that understood my rantings and my facts, all the things I know bore people. But not her, because she understood those things. I-I just miss her so much." Spencer admitted lowly.

"Spencer..." Derek whispered, taking the brunette's hand in his gently.

"Stay with me tonight. Stay with me all the other nights after too. I don't wanna be alone anymore. I don't wanna waste our time anymore. I need you. I need you so much Derek." Spencer mumbled, shaking with emotions.

Not able to control his feelings, Derek heard himself say:

"I love you."

Spencer looked at him surprised, his mouth opened, and eyes shining with the beginning of unshed tears. He didn't even have to ask the question that Derek got closer, cupped his face into his hands and poured kisses all over his face.

"I love you. I love you. And I'm not letting you go anymore. I want to be with you. It's you I want...only you."

"Derek..." Spencer croaked, melting into the older man’s arms and answering his kisses with abandon.

No, he could never let him go again. This time he and Derek would part ways in the morning. This time they started their story together as lovers. This time it was for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Hope you liked it, stay tuned for more soon. xoxo.**


	9. Start of something good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Surprise! Two for one.**

 

> _**"Have you ever watched a leaf leave a tree? It falls upward first, and then it drifts toward the ground, just as I find myself drifting towards you." -** _
> 
> _**Beth Kephart, Undercover** _

* * *

 

 

 

The first kiss happened naturally, like something they did every day. Just as naturally they made their way to the Genius' bedroom where clothes were discarded and bodies rolled on the bed. Kisses, touches, caresses and lovers movements came back as if the last time they were together wasn't so far away and hadn't been their unique time together. They breathed words only lovers whispered to each other in such intimate moments. They made promises only people in love made to each other. The dance they were eager to dance together lasted all night.

 

"Derek..." Spencer whispered almost desperately, as his lover was thrusting deep into him. " _Aah...Der-ek..._ "

"I'm here, baby. I'm right here." The older murmured into Spencer's ear. The younger man burning under him, his body bending perfectly as Derek pinned him against the mattress and held on to his narrow waist to angle him a bit so that he could slip into him very deep. Spencer moaned and whined since he'd gotten inside of him and Derek gave him just what he wanted, how he wanted it because pleasing Spencer was a fucking turn on.

" _Mmmmm_ ...oh... _god_...Oh...Derek..."

"Yeah, Baby..."

" _Aaah_ ...you're _so_ -big... _so_ ... _d-eep_ ...Derek, _please_..." Spencer panted, making noises he never thought he would ever make one day. Holding on to the sheets and biting into the pillow under his face, he let out a new moan, louder than the others as his lover slid deeper inside him and now constantly hit his prostate dead on.

"God, baby... You're so tight! So, perfect for me..."

"Come...come inside me... Fill me..."

"I will baby, but first let me fuck your tight little ass..."

" _Uhnn_ ...Derek... _god, yes_ ... _so_ ... _so_ deep..."

"Oh god, Spence..."

He was sure he was gonna come undone without Derek ever having to touch his cock. The burning of the sheets that rubbed against him. The beads of Derek's sweat that rolled down his spine. The man's hot breath between his shoulder blades, and his right hand entwined with his own and anchoring him to the moment. It was more than Spencer could support and heard himself murmur:

" _Aah...fuck you’re so big. You fill me up so good. I love your big cock inside me_..."

"Oh god, fuck, baby..." Derek groaned, before bending Spencer even more, lying on the brunette's back to pound deeply into him, making the younger man nearly screamed every time he pounded into him. He couldn't hold back anymore, knowing that Spencer was already leaking and feeling him started to shake around his cock, "God, you're gonna make me cum, baby."

Spencer only answer were the little shouts he let out every time a hard thrust from Derek and when the man's cock hit his prostate with force. He wasn't gonna last long, biting harder into the pillow, he used it unconsciously to muffle his cries. Derek's pace quickened suddenly, the man pounding into him and bringing him towards climax. Spencer contracted against him and felt the first spurt. He came for quite a long time, all the while Derek kept thrusting into him, even when he started coming he kept thrusting bringing them both to oblivion.

* * *

 

 

When his heartbeat started to steady and his mind became clear again, the cloud of sexual satisfaction now slowly dissipating, Derek finally noticed it;

 

Spencer was still lying under him, trapped by the weight of Derek's body, his legs still locked around the older man. At first, Derek didn’t notice, his orgasm had been so strong and powerful, it's only when the waves dissipated that he realized what was going on. Spencer was shaking beneath him, violently enough for Derek to know it wasn't an after effect of the sex they'd just had. It was more than that. And the sniffling that suddenly pierced his ears told him his lover was actually crying.

 

"Baby?" He asked gently, trying to detangle himself from his lover's limbs but Spencer suddenly held tighter when he felt Derek try to move away.

"No, please!" He beg shakily, voice thick with tears and emotions. "Please...please..." He repeated, shaking more and more.

Derek, not able to handle any more of his lover’s pain, tightened his hold around Spencer's shoulders and started kissing his hair and any bits of skin he could reach lovingly, giving his lover the attention and care he needed.

He understood without Spencer having to tell him what was happening. And he knew where the younger man was coming from. He only wished he could be a magician and make the brunette's pain go away.

"It's okay, Baby. I'm here, you can let go, I've got you." He whispered among other soothing words, Spencer's pain exploding and the younger man’s body now wracked by violent sobs.

 

Derek knew. He knew he cried for Maeve, for the guilt and culpability he felt, for Matt who will never be able to live with the woman he loved, for all those things that were out of their control and they just could not stop from happening. He also understood Spencer's tears were for them too. For their broken love, for the time they'd lost, so much of it. For the pain it cost them. For those moments when they really thought this time it was too late, that they'd lost each other for good. For that first night together that'd happened because they were both in so much pain, and for the hurt seeing someone get between them cost them. Derek understood Spencer was crying for those things, because of those things. And he had trouble not letting a tear or two fell from his eyes too.

* * *

 

 

"I can't let you go anymore." Derek heard, as he was drifting to sleep slowly, lying on his left side, his arms around his lover he held pressed against him tightly. He felt Spencer's fingers tightened around his and listened to the soft whisper of his hoarse voice: "I can't lose you again. Not anymore. I can't... Let someone else have you again."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I love you..." The brunet's voice croaked. "So much, but I can't let that love destroy me anymore. I want you be mine. No one's else."

"I've always been yours, Baby. Even... back then." Derek confessed, unable to talk about his ex now, he knew his lover understood because he turned around to mold himself tightly against him, his head press against his chest just below his chin. "I love you too more than anything in this world." He murmured in the brunette's hair, enticing yet another violent shiver from the younger man.

* * *

 

 

 

They woke up very late in the morning the next day. Derek was up first, checking that Spencer was still sound asleep, he left the bedroom closing the door behind him to let his lover sleep some more. Spencer needed to rest and recharge his batteries after the very hard days he'd had lately. Losing Maeve had been very tough on him.

Going into the kitchen, the older man decided he would make Spencer a real breakfast, just like his mom had made that time Spencer had slept at his place when they were kids. It brought back so many memories and yet he had troubles believing today was real and that he and the man he loved were finally officially together.

He had coffee and breakfast on a large plate when he got back into the bedroom, just in time to see Spencer lying on the side of the bed Derek was previously sleeping on, lifting his head just a little to watch his lover with sleepy eyes. He was so cute and yet so sexy like this, Derek thought.

 

"Morning sleepyhead." Derek whispered softly sitting down on the bed with their breakfast.

Spencer _'Mmm'_ -ed at the smell of food and coffee and got closer to his lover, burying his nose against Derek's flank. He felt surprisingly rested and good, which was a big difference with how terrible he'd felt since Maeve died.

"You letting me slip in?" Derek asked comically as Spencer was nearly falling back to sleep his head now resting on Derek's left leg. "I've got sugar coffee just how you like it you know... Interested?" Derek teased, surprise to see the brunet barely react to the smell and word coffee.

"Noo... Can't I just have you first and coffee next?" Spencer sleepily said, going further down in between the covers.

Derek, for a minute, didn't know if he should be worried Spencer was ignoring coffee for his sake or damn happy the man thought him more interesting than coffee? He decided the porcelain shoulder peeking through the top of the comforter was way too attractive to care about breakfast and coffee and he should just put the plate on the ground and join his lover under the covers and enjoy whatever Spencer had in mind to slowly wake up.

* * *

 

 

Waking up next to Spencer, make him breakfast and coffee, then making out with him as the young man's brain slowly awoke... Derek never thought this would have ever happened. A few months back after he'd awoken alone in his bed and the reminder of his lover's scent was still floating in the air, Derek really believed that maybe them being together in the morning would never be a possibility. He'd kept a bit of hope, yeah, but it had been so hard not let to that hope disappear slowly. He could never be more happy than he was right now that he had hold on to that hope of one day experiencing the kind of happiness and containment he was now experiencing.

 

"Mmmm...God, Derek this is amazing. I can't remember when the last time I had such an amazing breakfast, and the coffee is just so perfect. I think I would be falling in love with just this if I didn't loved you so much already. You're spoiling me." Spencer softly said as he was eating everything Derek had prepared for him with appetite.

"I'm happy I can finally spoil you like this." Derek admitted, taking a bite of his pancakes. He felt Spencer tense against his chest, then put his coffee mug on the plate.

"I know it's been hard on you. That I've been hard on you. I was just so scared and I couldn't go into this lightly, pretending it was no big deal. You've always been so important to me, you know and... I just... I needed to be sure."

"I know." Derek whispered, voice tight with emotions. "Spencer, I know all this and I also know I never want to be without you anymore. Not after last night. Not after this morning. Not after all this, all that's here between us and will not disappear no matter how hard we try. Now that I've got you..."

"You've got me!" Spencer exclaimed, cutting his lover. "You've got me." He repeated softly, offering his lips to Derek, shivering when the older man bent his head down a bit to offer him a slow and passionate kiss.

"My mom and sis are gonna be so excited about this. And, oh my god, Garcia will be worse."

"Yeah, I know." Spencer said in a sigh, he was sure Garcia will be at work early only so that she could locked him in her lair once he step foot into the BAU and will grill him about Derek spending the weekend and the not very discreet hickey on his neck.

"We'll handle them when the moment will be there to, right now I say we should go one step at a time and enjoy the rest of our breakfast, what do you think?" Derek proposed.

"I agree. Plus, it's not every weekend I have such a hot man naked in my bed with such a delicious breakfast." Spencer answered, grinning.

* * *

 

 

Garcia squealed so loud that he and Spencer didn't need to inform the rest of their team what was going on between them. Rossi and Hotch only telling them it was "about damn time" and "as long as it doesn't get in the way of your work".

Derek's mom and sisters were beyond thrilled and Mrs. Morgan demanded they come see her as soon as they'll have the opportunity to.

Neither both of them thought that opportunity would be because of a case in Chicago and that that case would be directly linked to Carl Buford.

* * *

 

 

 

The case in Illinois came out of the blue, almost, and soon they were all in the jet flying to Chicago. Garcia had threatened Derek if he didn't come back with his mother’s famous peach pie, he had promised her he wouldn't come back without the pie.

He and Spencer had been together for a few weeks now and it couldn't have been better. Both were now happier, and slowly Spencer healed from Maeve's death. They still hadn't told the team, though, having decided that they would in time but that for now they just wanted to enjoy those first moments of being a couple anonymously, well almost, of course Garcia had quickly found out and just as soon told JJ. But being surrounded by the best profilers of course meant that Hotch, Rossi and Blake already knew, but everyone in the team was respectful enough to respect Derek and Spencer's choice of not telling anyone right now. Plus, they both really wished to push away the moment Strauss would learn about them the furthest away possible.

The fact that they didn't openly tell the team yet, didn't mean that Derek wasn't gonna take the opportunity of this case to do things properly and go see his mother and sisters, once they'd caught the killer, with Spencer. He thought they should know first, and Derek knew they all would be delighted to see Spencer again after so many years.

* * *

 

 

Being thrown back in the nightmare of his past really was hard on Derek, but not as hard as having to go visit Buford in jail, listen to his bullshit about finding Allah and then having to let that pig touch him, even if it was just offering his hand, to obtain the awfully long list of names that were Carl Buford victims. It was as if Derek was thirteen all over again.

It's that suffocating feeling of being back in his worst nightmare that pushed him work harder on the case, that pushed him finding Rodney Harris and keeping him from killing his wife in front of his son and then it's also that feeling that pushed him going public and confessing in front of the cameras that he was one of Carl Buford's first victim.

The case and memories had been so tough on him that he could barely let Spencer near him, not because he couldn't handle the young man's touch on him but more because of how he felt so ashamed. He knew Spencer knew everything already, but he couldn't help the way he felt. He couldn't bare Spencer's eyes on his body, not when he felt so dirty all over again. He knew his lover understood, knew that Spencer knew exactly what were his thoughts, because the younger man kept a certain distance between them, stopped touching him or searching to kiss him behind the closed door of their hotel, the brunet even gave him space when they were lying in bed at night. Spencer let him go at his own space and didn't push nor tried to confront Derek, just waited for the man to come find him on his own.

It's only once they'd caught Harris and closed the case, after he confession in front of the cameras that Derek felt like he needed his lover's arms again.

* * *

 

 

Hotch had given them permission to go spend the night and next day at the Morgans a few hours after they'd caught Harris and he confessed the murders. Spencer had went to find their leader and asked him if he could drive Derek's to see his family that night. Hotch understood Derek needed it and agreed almost as soon Spencer asked the question. So, while Derek was still at the station with Hotch, Rossi, Blake and JJ, Spencer took one of the SUVs and went back to their hotel where he packed their go bags and freed their room. He called Fran Morgan to let her know they were in town and would come by. Derek's mom was thrilled and couldn't hide her impatience to see her son and Spencer and told him supper would be ready for when they'll be at her house. Next he went back to the police station and told Derek they were spending the night at his mom's and how Spencer had called her and the woman was already waiting for them. Derek thanked silently by giving him a very soft look and followed him to the SUV. Next thing, Derek was driving them skillfully to his family house.

If Spencer apprehended facing Fran Morgan, Desiree and Sarah, he said nothing and hid it beautifully, he only cared about his lovers wellness and he would bear the curious or knowing looks the Morgan women would certainly give him, he would bear anything really for his lover.

* * *

 

 

 

"Derek, baby, I'm so happy to see you!" Fran exclaimed when she opened her front door and was face to face with her son and Spencer.

"Me too, mama." Derek answered, hugging the woman back.

"And you too, Spencer, how are you, darling? It's been ages since I've seen you." Fran said, turning to the brunette.

"It's a pleasure seeing you again, Miss Fran."

"Boy, how many times will I have to tell you to just call me Fran? You're not the little boy I used to babysit after school, Spencer. Now, come on in you two, supper is ready and waiting, Derek your sisters will come by later, they're dying to see you."

* * *

 

 

Derek waited for supper to be over to tell his mother about him and Spencer. He was sure his mom already suspected something after he insisted Spencer could sleep in his room tonight.

 

"Mama, there's something I need to tell you." He said as he was wiping up dishes. Spencer was busy with Sarah and Desiree in the living room as they'd just arrived.

"What is it, baby?" Fran asked, washing one of the plates.

Derek put down the salad ball he's been wiping up on the counter and turned around to his mother. Fran Morgan seemed to catch on the seriousness of the situation because her pose change instantly, showing her son he had her full attention.

"It's...about me and Spencer, we..." Derek started explaining; finding it more difficult than it seemed to tell his mother that he was with a man, engaged in a serious relationship.

"Baby, I think it'll be better if we sit down." Fran cut him, sensing her son's discomfort.

"Mama... Spencer and I, we're in a relationship, it's been a very long way getting there but now its official and I wanted you to be the first to know about it." Derek then confessed.

Fran stayed silent for awhile, her left hand holding Derek's and her right pressed against her mouth. Finally, after what seemed endless seconds to Derek, she asked:

"Baby, you seem very serious. Do you love him? I really like Spencer, I wouldn't want you to get into this lightly. You have to think of both of you and protect you both."

"I'm in love with him, mama. What I feel for him, I never felt for anyone else. I don't want anybody else; it hurt way too much not being able to be with him for so long. Like I told you it's been a very long and hard time getting to where we are now, we both hurt each other a lot, even though it wasn't what we wanted, we did, but now... He's the person I wanna spend my life with, the one I wanna get up and go to bed with, the one I would like to have a family with."

"Oh baby..." Fran softly exclaimed, caressing Derek's cheek lovingly. "You really do look like he means the most to you. I'm happy, Derek, you found someone very special and perfect for you, and I always loved Spencer like my second son, I couldn't be happier."

"I know, thank you, mama. I'm scared you know. Scared that I'll mess up something or that with our job one of us could get hurt again. He really means a lot to me, and that's both scary and alluring. What I feel for Spence, it's just... I don't know how to explain.”

 

“You know, baby, sometimes it doesn't matter to put words on feelings, as long as you're conscious of what you're feeling and capable of showing the person you love how much they mean to you then it's all that matters really. The grand declarations of love, the _'I love yous'_ , those fade with time and just the love and reassurance and small gestures stays and trust me they are the most important ones.”

 

Derek didn't reply, just thought his mother's words over and over again, until his eyes caught the form of Spencer entering the kitchen, his sisters in tow. When the brunette smiled at him, he couldn't helped it and felt the urge of being near his lover again, the case had fucked him up so much that he'd pulled away more and more from the Genius, hurting him by doing so but Derek couldn't stand the space separating them now, so, not caring that his sisters where there to witness them, he got up from his chair and went to the young man to cup his face in his hand and kissed him like he hadn't been able to since they'd arrived in Chicago. When he released his lips, Spencer was blushing furiously, in a small whisper, Derek told him:

 

“I'm sorry I pushed you away.” Spencer just smiled and tightened his hold on Derek's hands still around his face, he said:

“It's okay, I know it wasn't against me.”

“I love you.” Derek murmured.

“I love you too.”

“Well, all I wanna say is: Fucking finally!!!!”

“Desiree.” Fran exclaimed to her youngest daughter swearing.

“WHAT? Mom, seriously, I thought Derek would never get his head out of his butt and see how Spencer has been pining on him for years.”

“Oh my god!” Derek moaned, turning back to the dishes left waiting in the sink. He heard Sarah then say to Spencer.

“Now, I can finally welcome you as my brother's lover, so, welcome in our family Dr. Reid.”

Derek couldn't help but smile like on a Christmas morning, he knew his family loved Spencer, but he never thought they would actually be so cool about him and the Genius being in a romantic relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **XO**


	10. Loss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING: _This chapter contains depiction of miscarriage/child loss, not for the sensible hearts. Don't read if you're a very sensible person. Please._**

 

> _**"When the young bury the old, time heals the pain and sorrow. But when the process is reversed, the sorrow remains forever." - Joseph P. Kennedy.** _

* * *

* * *

 

 

At first, Spencer didn't give it too much thought, put off to the fact Derek and him had been quite sexually active recently. Being such a young "couple", he found it normal to have sex one or two times at night during the week and a bit more in the weekend if you counted the morning sex.

He blamed it on the crazy amount of sex when his nipples started to swell a bit and be more sensitive than usual. After all, that part of his body had always been one of his most sensitive erogenous point. So, naturally, he thought it was because Derek loved to tease him there that his nipples were so sensitive. It was just the same when he noticed some very light spotting the next week. Sex was probably the cause, nothing else. He put cramps on stress.

That was until he started getting sick, throwing up every day and being nauseated over smells and tastes he used to like before. Those symptoms made him think it over more seriously. It was strange that it'd never happened before but then again never did he have unprotected sex with a man before. Derek was the exception, even though it had only happened twice after Emily and then with Maeve. Since then Derek had always thought about using protection.

 

They'd been together for about five weeks now, they'd had sex multiple times that first night and each time not using any condoms, not to mention Spencer had never really knew where he stood genetically. It seemed he'd been gifted with the reproductive gene, he thought, as his eyes fell on the pregnancy tests he'd taken, now that the alarm of his phone rang informing him the waiting time was up. Taking a shaky breath he watched as the three tests all said the same: **Positive!** One even told him he was now starting his fourth week of pregnancy.

 

So, he was _pregnant_.

 

He didn't know how to react because the only thing he could think of was how to tell Derek? And how would his lover react to the news? He couldn't tell Derek now, not without knowing if the man wanted a family first, not in their current situations, when they were only at the beginning of their relationship as a couple and also not when they stilled hadn't talk to Hotch about them, officially. He seriously wasn't the best when it came to such complicated situations, especially when they were so personal.

* * *

* * *

 

 

Being pregnant was quite indescribable. Spencer could feel the change of his body and at the same time he had such trouble believing a baby was forming inside him, growing slowly. Accepting that this fetus was part him and Derek had been the easiest, though, and it was only fear that kept him from telling Derek so soon that he was pregnant with his child. So Spencer had decided to wait the first trimester to be passed to really tell his lover.

After finding out he was expecting, Spencer had went to the hospital to have his blood taken to confirm he was really pregnant.

The test results had arrived about a week later. When he opened the envelope, the enclosed letter only confirmed what he had figured out a week ago. There it was, written in black and white and clear as day. He carried the reproductive gene and was 5 weeks pregnant. He was one of those men. He was one of those miracles of nature for some and abnormalities for others. He could get pregnant and give birth.

 

He'd learn about that particularity existing quite young, when he'd asked his mother about how it was to carry a child and if boys could get pregnant too. Diana had been like usual with him, honest and to the point, explaining with a few details how one boy, man, out of two had what was called the reproductive gene. That it was a particular signature in their DNA chain written as X, like for women. He remember not freaking out when learning about that, remember how his mother had reassured him in answering all his questions and even telling him that if Spencer was one of those amazing men then there was no shame about it, that on the contrary it was pretty amazing, a miracle like she'd called it, and also how she couldn't be more proud if one day Spencer discovered he was expecting because he had the genes.

Today, here he was, six weeks pregnant, scared to death of the risk of such a pregnancy and totally clueless about his partner’s desire of wanting a family or not. This was something he needed to clear out first, before anything else. He needed to have a talk with Derek and finally find out if the man would want a family one day, and if yes, if that family could be with him, Spencer.

* * *

 

He waited till the next day to go over Derek's apartment, work had been mostly filing paperwork and a bit of debriefing so they were all out of the bureau pretty early that day. Spencer waited till the middle of the evening to finally climb into his car and drive to Derek's. Even though they'd been together for over a month now, they still lived at their own respective apartment with one or the other going to the opposite’s apartment. It had became like a routine: go to work, leave then join the other over at a restaurant or directly at their place. Tonight, it was Spencer that decided to go to the older man's apartment.

 

Lately, since learning he was pregnant, Spencer had been avoiding taking the subway, instead choosing to drive around in his car. His car wasn't the safest it was true, but it still was better than being pushed by someone in a hurry in the subway and risk his baby. Derek had find it amusing and joked around asking him what was going on with the subway that he'd been driving his deathtrap instead.

* * *

 

 

"Hey, Baby." Was the first thing Derek told him, before pulling him into his arms to kiss him passionately, when Spencer knocked on his door.

"Hey." Spencer answered nervously, nervousness that didn't go unnoticed to Derek's skillful eyes and ears.

"What's wrong? You seem nervous?" The older man asked him.

"Nothing. Can I come in?" Spencer replied, smiling, softly.

"Of course, come here. I was waiting for you to order supper. What do you feel like, Indian?"

 

Spencer pulled a face, the image of a chicken tikka masala popping in his mind and making him sick just at the thought. One of the bumps of being pregnant, you sometime found yourself hating your favorite food, to the point the mere thought of it made you nauseated.

 

"Eww, no Indian please, can't we order in Chinese instead? I've been craving Chinese lately."

"You saying no to Indian for Chinese food is kinda strange, you know? Are you sure you alright? I’ve noticed you've been off lately."

"I'm alright, don't worry. It’s just something I’ve had lately that my body has been having trouble dealing with. And I don't know, but yeah, I've been wanting Chinese food for a few days now. Maybe it's because it's your favorite I don't know. Or maybe my mind is trying to tell me I should really try to master using chopsticks so that I won't make a fool of myself the next time we all go to a Chinese restaurant."

"I find it so cute when you struggle with chopsticks, though." Derek whispered, lightly kissing Spencer's mouth corner.

"Why am I not surprised you do?" Spencer softly retorted, giving in to his lover proximity and covering the other man's mouth with his own, he shivered violently when he felt Derek's tongue invade his mouth and caress his sensually. God, he wanted him. He wanted him so much.

* * *

 

 

They'd ordered in, and they were in the middle of supper while watching TV, like every other couple would do, when Spencer finally found it in him to ask Derek the question.

 

"Derek... Can I ask you something?" He said hesitantly, playing with the noodles and shrimp in his meal box.

"Yeah, what is it, Pretty Boy?" Derek answered, putting back the wonton he was about to put in his mouth back on his plate. He turned slightly towards his lover so that he could look at him.

"It's just...um... I've been thinking about something lately and I just, I don't know, I felt this was something that we should..."

"Baby, just ask me the question, I can see it's been eating at you all evening. There's nothing you should fear asking me, you know." Derek told, cutting Spencer in his rambling.

Breathing in a very long breath, Spencer put his meal on the table and fully turned to the other, he needed to be able to look at him, needed to see his every expression. That only would reassure him enough.

 

"Do you want kids?" He asked bluntly. Risking it all, knowing that Derek answer would be a very important detail when it came to the child that was growing inside Spencer's uterus.

Derek smiled softly, taking Spencer's hand in his, stopping the young man from twisting his fingers even more.

"Yes, I do want children. And yes, I would love to make a family with you, Spencer Reid. Was it not knowing my thoughts on the subject that made you so sick lately. Did it trouble you that much?" Derek said, surprising Spencer by guessing his hidden question.

"I-" the brunette started, "it's just that we've known each other for so long, and beside...her, you've never talked about wanting a serious relationship with anyone, and you even less talked about wanting kids, so I don't know why when we gotten together all those questions just..."

"Hey," Derek whispered, slipping closer and caressing the Genius' cheek softly, "it's okay, I get it, it's totally normal for you to have questions, and some just as serious as this. It's true that before you getting into a serious relationship never appealed to me, I just never met a woman that made me want it. Savannah was an exception, more a relief, and to be an excuse to not being alone when all I truly wanted was you. But then you and I finally got to where we are now and I can honestly say, today, that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. This, what we have, it's what I secretly searched for all those years, without even understanding I was looking for it. So, you don't have to fear anything, Spence, I'm in this with you, and I'm in for the long road. I just... I know what it's like not being with you, just like I know how amazing being with you feels like. There's no doubt in my heart. My life, my future, I want to share and spend them with you. And that includes kids."

"I-I...ok...I...ok." Spencer babbled, too touched and emotional all of a sudden to say anything else than those words really. He shivered when Derek bent down to catch his mouth in a slow kiss. It was a kiss that summarized all that'd just been said. A kiss made of ten thousand promises, of half spoken words, of whispered, murmured _I love yous_. Of so many more other things too.

* * *

 

 

Later that night, Spencer lay awake next to Derek, pressed against him, his strong arms wrapped up around his lover. Spencer's brain was in overdrive and couldn't rest a minute, it kept playing and replaying Derek's words from earlier, it kept replaying how gentle and yet passionate the black man had been when he made love to him after their supper and shared shower. Everything had felt so perfect, so good and so right in place that Spencer had to stop himself a few times from telling Derek about the baby. He still was afraid to tempting their fate and telling Derek when he was still so early in his pregnancy, when it still was so risky for him to lose the baby. Men with the reproductive gene were more at risk than women of experiencing miscarriage in the first trimester of their pregnancy. So he'd kept silent.

Maybe if he'd knew what would happen later then Spencer would have acted differently and told Derek about being pregnant.

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

When the team was called to Texas to consult on the murders of prostitutes, Hotch didn't waited for them to accept the case and soon they all found themselves boarding the jet. Once they arrived in Texas, evidences directly pointed the religious overtones of the killings. But as they delved further into the investigation, the team didn't realize how much they were putting their lives at risk.

* * *

 

 

 

They didn't plan on the rain of gun shots that would happen when they got to the restaurant. _"Mack The Knife"_ , their first suspect, had locked himself up. No one saw the first shot coming. They'd lost policemen as soon the gun shots started. Blake almost got shot too, only to be saved by Reid, who wasn't as lucky and was shot in the neck.

Derek thought he was gonna go nuts when he saw his lover being shot. Seeing that Blake was staying with Reid and checking on him, he rushed in the restaurant followed by JJ and policemen. He didn't saw it coming either when he was shot too. All he registered was being knocked out for a few seconds then more firing, their suspect getting killed in the end and then being in the ambulance with Reid trying to make him stay awake while one of the ER nurse took care of his shot wound.

He didn't really get what Spencer was trying to say, he was way too overwhelmed to have his attention at his maximum right now, not when Spencer kept coming in and out of consciousness. He was about to go crazy, the fear he felt, they better arrived at the hospital soon.

* * *

 

 

 

He was waiting in the ER waiting room when Garcia arrived, as soon as she saw him, she rushed to his side and hugged him. Next, she turned to the others asking what had exactly happened, JJ told her, then she turned back her attention to him. Derek felt like in a nightmare and wanted to wake up badly but he just couldn't. That's when he heard:

 

"Baby, are you ok?"

"Spence...he... Baby Girl, I can't lose him, not now, not when..." Derek whispered, broken by the thought he could lose his lover any time now and angry that Spencer had been shot. He was so shattered by the situation he didn't even care speaking those words in front of them all, outing him and Spencer relationship at the same time.

"He's gonna be alright, you know Baby Genius, he's a fighter. He'll make it." Garcia told him, trying to reassure his suffocating fear.

He didn't even have the force to answer her. That's when he heard the footsteps coming in their direction, the next second he was on his feet and going to meet the surgeon half way, Hotch and the others in tow.

 

"Are you all with Spencer Reid?" The surgeon asked.

Hotch nodded and quickly explained who they were and how Spencer had been shot. The surgeon nodded his head, then looked down at the file in his hand.

 

"Who amongst you is Derek Morgan? I see that's the person listed as Dr. Reid emergency call."

"It's me. Is Spencer alright?"

"He's fine, considering. The bullet didn't touch any major arteries, thankfully, and we were able to extract it and work on Dr. Reid the fastest we could. He's still asleep and will be for a few more hours. Sadly, though, we weren't able to save the baby. Dr. Reid lost too much blood and the fall his body experienced after being shot caused the miscarriage. I'm truly sorry."

"Baby?" Derek repeated, shocked. "What? What do you mean by baby? Spencer was pregnant?"

 

_What was that man saying? Surely Spencer would have told him about being pregnant? Right?_

 

"I'm truly sorry, sir. But yes, Dr. Reid was ten weeks pregnant. He's got the reproductive gene. Men pregnancies are more at risk than women in the first trimester and with being shot Dr. Reid's body wasn't able to deal with protecting the fetus and keep consciousness, that caused the uterus to start contracting to repulse the fetus."

"I-I need to see him," Derek suddenly exclaimed, looking more agitated all of a sudden. He met the surgeon eyes and repeated, "please, I need to be with him. I need to see him, now!"

The surgeon understood Derek must be Dr. Reid's partner and didn't wasted time telling him Reid's room number and asking the nurse that was with him to lead him to the said room. Derek followed her in a blur, his mind unable to process all that he'd just learned. All he wanted was to be with Spencer, make sure he was alright, all he wanted was...

 

_A baby?_

* * *

 

 

 

Spencer lay in the bed asleep and looking so pale when Derek got into the bedroom, a thick bandage was wrapped around the Genius' neck and a tube in his nose was helping him breathe more easily. That sight was what broke the last of Derek's control as he fell into the chair next to bed. Lifting a shaking hand he caressed Spencer's long fingers, then touched his cheek, he was slightly warmer than cold but still below his usual temperature. It's then with difficulty that Derek put his hand on his lover's abdomen, where their baby was still alive a few hours ago, just below the tight skin and warm layers just under it to protect it.

 

_Ten weeks._ He thought, _they'd been parents for ten weeks._ Spencer had been pregnant with his child and he didn't even suspected it. But now, now he understood why Spencer had been so sick lately.

 

"Spence, Baby, I'm here. I'm here with you, Pretty Boy." Derek whispered, caressing his lover abdomen with his left hand and bringing Spencer's hand to his lips with the other.

 

They'd lost their baby. _How was he suppose to tell Spencer that?_ That was gonna break him. Derek just knew it.

* * *

 

 

 

He might have drifted off, because he was softly awoken by Garcia an hour or so later.

 

"Derek, hey, wake up."

 

He moaned sleepily, then noticed how his head was resting on Spencer's lap. Sitting back up, he met Garcia's concerned face.

 

"How long was I out?"

"About an hour. The others went back to the station." Garcia informed him. He knew he should head back to the station too, but the thought of leaving Spencer alone was just too hard to handle.

"I-I should probably go too, but I..."

"Don't worry, I'm staying with him. They need you and staying won't help either. And Spencer isn't supposed to wake up before long, you can go and catch the son of a bitch that's responsible for our Baby Genius getting shot."

"I...ok. Ok, I'll go, I..." Derek muttered, still a bit confused and lost after the night’s events.

"I'll call if he wakes up or something happens, I promise."

"Okay. Thanks, Baby Girl."

* * *

 

 

Get his head on work and help the others track their Unsub helped him stay sane enough to answer Garcia's call and guide her in getting Reid out of reach of any danger. If in his heart Derek felt like he was gonna explode at some point, he tried harder staying focus on the job, telling himself that the sooner they stopped the Unsub and any other corrupted deputies, the faster he would be able to go back to Reid and they all could go back home afterwards.

 

He only truly wanted to be with his lover and be able to console him once he would have learned about the baby.

* * *

* * *

 

 

 

_Pain._ Pain was the first thing that reached his mind as he woke up to the blinding light of what seemed to be a hospital room. Then, when he was able to open his eyes a bit more he caught sight of _The Doctor_ on his bedside table, next thing was Garcia curled blond hair.

 

"Reid?" He heard the analyst say hesitantly.

"Where..." He tried to asked, but couldn't pronounce the rest of his question his throat being too dry.

"Wait, don't try to speak. Drink this first. You're at the hospital Baby Genius." Garcia explained, pushing on one of buttons on his bed to incline the head up so that it was easier for him to drink the glass of water she was holding next to his mouth. Grabbing the straw between his lips he caught the retreating form of Blake leaving the bedroom.

"What...what happened? Where's Derek?" Spencer asked weakly, his eyes focusing on Garcia.

 

The woman smiled gently, taking his hand in hers:

 

"After the shooting, you were brought in ambulance, you kept drifting into unconsciousness, you lost a lot of blood, they immediately took you into surgery when you arrived here. The surgeon was able to stop the bleeding and save you, no major arteries had been touched but..." Garcia explained before stopping, her throat feeling suddenly very tight, what she was supposed to tell Spencer next was so horrible and she knew how much it would broke the young man.

 

"Garcia... What's wrong?" Spencer asked her, feeling she was keeping something, something major from him.

 

"Baby, what I have to tell you..." The woman began, tears running down her cheeks, "when you were shot you fell very hard and you lost so much blood afterwards, that it'd caused a-you... Your body couldn't take everything that happened and went into shock, you had a miscarriage."

"No..." Spencer, whispered shaking, his brain having understood way before Garcia pronounced words that something really bad had happened to his baby. "No, not m-my baby...no..."

"I'm so sorry, Spence. I really am truly sorry."

"My...Derek? I-I need to see him. I need to tell Derek, I-"

"Baby, calm down. He knows. Derek already knows, Spencer."

"What? No...no, he can't...no...I-I have to..." He started mumbling, shaking more and more, his breath laborious. This couldn't be real, he thought, it was a nightmare from which he was gonna wake up soon. It couldn't be real.

 

"Spencer?"

 

He suddenly heard, in a worried voice. Turning his head a little he met his lover's eyes, dark and warm but stained by pain and worry. It was suddenly more than he could take anymore and he covered his face with his hands, tears rolling down his cheeks and repeating again and again in a broken voice:

 

"I'm sorry, please forgive me. I'm sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry."

 

It took just a second for Derek to cross the room and wrapped his arms around him, holding Spencer tightly against his chest. His face buried in the young man's hair.

 

"No Baby, don't apologize. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault, Spence. It's okay, I'm here now, please, please calm down, Baby."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I know this chapter was a very hard one and I'm sorry if you were hurt by it, guys, sadly it was important and necessary to the story. I promise there will be light later on. I can't say when I'll post next, as I'm working the most I can on my first novel so all my fics are a bit of _work on the side_ lately, but rest assure i'm not dropping this story or any other of my online fics. I'll just take more time than I first planned to finish them. In the mean time, I hope you still enjoyed this chapter and hope to see you on the next one. xoxo. Sin.**

**Author's Note:**

> Not my first Criminal Minds story but the very first one i publish here and am proud to share with you guys, I hope you'll like it. Tell me what you thought about it in a comment or kudos right below this note.
> 
> You can come find me here **["My Tumblr"](http://theshiwolf.tumblr.com/)**


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